A June welcome to everyone across the until recently fruited plains! I recently went to pick up my government cheese but couldn't fit it in my government car. Oh well. I did find a use for the car, though. I attached a spinning blade to the bottom of it and can use it to mow my lawn now! Talk about green!
Anyway, life with Team Johnson is great guns as usual. We are all slaving away in the backyard to make it habitable and have decided that weeds look a lot like grass. :) But enough banter! On with today's title:
This is one of my childrens favorite stories to hear. It usually starts out like this: "Dad tell us about the time you whacked yourself on the foot with a hammer on purpose!"
"Well", I say, "it wasn't really my fault." This is one I those stories where I wish there was actually a point or a profound lesson to be learned but no. The lesson is pretty much don't do stupid stuff. And that lesson glares at me more and more every time the kids make me tell the story. As a young child I went to the doctor to have a surgery done on my big toe and the doctor shot my foot up with Novacaine (not to be confused with Michaelcaine). I couldn't feel a thing. It was pretty cool. To a 10 year old, having a numb toe is like a whole new world. Well when I got home I accidentally kicked the door with said toe and didn't feel a thing! Way cool! No pain!
Now, as a young child I began to wonder about this new phenomenon. "I wonder if it would hurt if I..." and that ultimately was my downfall. By now you have all probably come to the conclusion that I actually hit myself on the toe with a hammer. I've never understood what makes a kid think this way, how they can go from a rational thought like "Hey this cape makes me look like Superman" to "I'll bet I can jump off the roof and fly!" but it happens. And no I didn't jump off the roof! It was the trampoline and it was really windy. So there. Kids just have a way of taking a great thing like imagination and then doing it. How else could I explain my children's behavior? What else but imagination would make my oldest son create rain by using cat litter? What else but imagination would make a child decide while in the tub to bite his younger brother and then blame it on a rubber shark?
Needless to say after whacking my toe several times and experiencing the awesome power of no pain I went on with my day. Until the novacaine wore off. Owie! Well, stay tuned for more fun with Lessons Learned from Dad!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The Best Dating Advice. Ever.
Well it is time for me to write something happy in the old family blog and get the Bamster's new youth army out of there. Yeech. Life at the ranch is great. The kids are all playing baseball and having fun with it, the sprinklers are watering most of what they're supposed to, and the trees are a bloomin. To catch you up on landscaping adventures I am learning how to lay flagstone (how not to lay it more like) and how to pull out weeds. Man I love that! There's nothing quite like the satisfaction of having been so successful at growing them.
Neisha and I were recently spotted in the ballet production of Sleeping Beauty where we played courtiers and later a prince. It ended up being kind of fun. No I didn't wear tights and no mom, I'm not gay. Sheesh.
Now on to the title. As some of you know, Josh is 12 and on the brink of entering the age of unbelievable. As much as we've tried to parent the alien out of him we're noticing irregular bulges in his stomach region and a strange murky odor that seems to seep from his room. While driving around the other day he gave some of the greatest dating advice I've ever heard. Yes I know he's only 12 and won't date until he's 16 but that's ok. I'm writing it down now for posterity sake. While in the car he pointed to the Christmas Tree air freshner and said to mom, "Mom someday when I need cologne I can just hang one of those around my neck!"
Mom: (through near uncontrollable laughter) I can just see you with a 'smell' necklace.
Josh: I wouldn't wear it on the outside of my shirt, I'd put it on the inside!"
Mom: (Through totally uncontrollable laughter) I just love you Josh, you're so great.
Josh: Well, it smells like cologne...
Yep, that's my son. Mr. Vanilla-roma. His other dating advice was around the subject of what to feed your date. Josh said his idea of a creative date was to have a dinner where he put real bugs in the brownies. It would add a little crunch and his date would likely never know. It would be highly entertaining....for him. Mom said he'd better date someone he didn't like very much. Josh said, "Why?" Now why is this such great advice? Because if he follows it, it should nicely guarantee that he won't date much before going on his mission. Maybe I'll wait to tell him the real scoop until afterwards. Good times, good times.
Well that's all the news that's fit to print. Stay tuned next time for Lessons Learned from Dad. My kids have been nagging me to write about when I hit my toe with a hammer on purpose. sigh.
Neisha and I were recently spotted in the ballet production of Sleeping Beauty where we played courtiers and later a prince. It ended up being kind of fun. No I didn't wear tights and no mom, I'm not gay. Sheesh.
Now on to the title. As some of you know, Josh is 12 and on the brink of entering the age of unbelievable. As much as we've tried to parent the alien out of him we're noticing irregular bulges in his stomach region and a strange murky odor that seems to seep from his room. While driving around the other day he gave some of the greatest dating advice I've ever heard. Yes I know he's only 12 and won't date until he's 16 but that's ok. I'm writing it down now for posterity sake. While in the car he pointed to the Christmas Tree air freshner and said to mom, "Mom someday when I need cologne I can just hang one of those around my neck!"
Mom: (through near uncontrollable laughter) I can just see you with a 'smell' necklace.
Josh: I wouldn't wear it on the outside of my shirt, I'd put it on the inside!"
Mom: (Through totally uncontrollable laughter) I just love you Josh, you're so great.
Josh: Well, it smells like cologne...
Yep, that's my son. Mr. Vanilla-roma. His other dating advice was around the subject of what to feed your date. Josh said his idea of a creative date was to have a dinner where he put real bugs in the brownies. It would add a little crunch and his date would likely never know. It would be highly entertaining....for him. Mom said he'd better date someone he didn't like very much. Josh said, "Why?" Now why is this such great advice? Because if he follows it, it should nicely guarantee that he won't date much before going on his mission. Maybe I'll wait to tell him the real scoop until afterwards. Good times, good times.
Well that's all the news that's fit to print. Stay tuned next time for Lessons Learned from Dad. My kids have been nagging me to write about when I hit my toe with a hammer on purpose. sigh.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I just can't ignore this
I usually stay away from politics on this blog, but this really troubles me. These are OUR children he's talking about!
Supporters of an Americorps expansion plan pending in Congress laud its efforts to "leverage" federal dollars to boost state, local and other resources to "address national and local challenges," while critics say its fine print secretly would create an "Obama-styled army of community organizers modeled after Saul Alinsky's 'Peoples Organizations.'" So which is it?
In an era in which Congress can approve thousands of pages of legislation spending hundreds of billions of dollars without reading the proposal, there seems to be no definitive answer on what some of the vague language of H.R. 1388 means.
But there is enough in the "GIVE Act," now awaiting a conference committee in Congress after being approved by both the U.S. House and Senate, to cause critics to shiver.
For example, it certainly imposes a requirement for public service on some people, even though its original much-feared study on mandatory service for all was moved to another bill during congressional debate.
"The Audacity of Deceit" exposes exactly who Barack Obama is. He isn't pedaling "change you can believe in" – he's planning to uproot American culture and replace it with the failed, secular, socialist policies of the past.
The latest version includes a "National Service Reserve Corps" whose members have completed a "term of national service," "has successfully completed training" and "complete not less than 10 hours of volunteering each year."
It also raises First Amendment issues over its limitations on what various corps participants are allowed to do.
For example, it states those in an "approved national service position" may not try to influence legislation, engage in protests or petitions, take positions on union organizing, engage in partisan political activities, or, among other issues, be "engaging in religious instruction, conducting worship services, providing instruction as part of a program that includes mandatory religious instruction or worship, constructing or operating facilities devoted to religious instruction or worship, maintaining facilities primarily or inherently devoted to religious instruction or worship, or engaging in any form of proselytization."
Probably the biggest red flag for many is how the proposal fits into the overall picture painted by President Obama when he described to a Colorado Springs audience a "National Civilian Security Force" that he wants as big and well-funded as the U.S. military – a staggering suggestion that would involve hundreds of billions of dollars a year.
WND reported when the bill began its quick trip through Congress, and its original language called for a study of how best to implement a mandatory national service program for citizens of the United States.
Later the language was dropped from that bill, only to appear at the same time in another legislative proposal.
Judi McLeod wrote for Canada Free Press that the bill simply would turn everyone into a community organizer.
"Everybody means the roughly seven million people called to public duty in the $6 billion National Service effort," she said. "But members pressed into the service of the one million-strong Youth Brigade, sanctioned by 'Generations Invigorating Volunteerism and Education (GIVE),' will have none of the freedoms of the community organizer who started it all.
"There's no room for God in Obama's long promised Youth Brigade, no room to protest, petition, to boycott or to support a strike, and loopholes to give its mandatory membership a pass," she wrote. "Obama's plan requires anyone receiving school loans, among others to serve at least three months as part of the brigade."
She also describes one section with a program to introduce "service learning" as "a mandatory part of the curriculum in all of the secondary schools served by the local educational agency."
The plan suggests raising the participation in such programs from 75,000 now to 250,000.
Gary Wood at Examiner.com said it's part of Obama's plan to set up national service. He noted the explanation offered by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: "It's time for a real Patriot Act that brings out the patriot in all of us. We propose universal civilian service for every young American. Under this plan, all Americans between the ages of 18 and 25 will be asked to serve their country by going through three months of basic training, civil defense preparation and community service."
Gary Lester, writing at All American Blogger, put into words the worst fears of opponents.
"Hitler knew that if you control the youth, you control the future. I wrote about him in 'The Threats to Homeschooling: From Hitler to the NEA.' As I noted in that article, Hitler said: 'The Youth of today is ever the people of tomorrow. For this reason we have set before ourselves the task of innoculating our youth with the spirit of this community of the people at a very early age, at an age when human beings are still unperverted and therefore unspoiled,'" he wrote.
He cited the Hitler Youth's launch in the 1920s. In 1933, the participants totaled 100,000, and in 1939 the membership was compulsory for those over 17. Two years later, the membership was compulsory for those over 10, and it included 90 percent of the nation's youth.
He also cited concerns it would steer volunteers away from churches, politicize charity and focus on the "education" of participants.
"The legislation will, in many circumstances, force our children to participate in charitable activity as part of school – and that activity may well be chosen by or approved by a bureaucrat," he suggested.
At Washington Watch one forum participant warned, "Our republic is under attack as never before."
Said another, "This is social engineering at the very least, and could be the first step towards the reinstitution of slavery! Take heed, the New World Order (aka 'Change') draws nigh!"
Congress also is considering a "public service academy, a four-year institution that offers a federally funded undergraduate education with a focus on training future public sector leaders."
Joseph Farah, founder and editor of WND, used his daily column first to raise the issue of a "national civilian force" and then to elevate it with a call to all reporters to start asking questions.
"If we're going to create some kind of national police force as big, powerful and well-funded as our combined U.S. military forces, isn't this rather a big deal?" Farah wrote. "I thought Democrats generally believed the U.S. spent too much on the military. How is it possible their candidate is seeking to create some kind of massive but secret national police force that will be even bigger than the Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force put together?
"Is Obama serious about creating some kind of domestic security force bigger and more expensive than that? If not, why did he say it? What did he mean?" Farah wrote.
Supporters of an Americorps expansion plan pending in Congress laud its efforts to "leverage" federal dollars to boost state, local and other resources to "address national and local challenges," while critics say its fine print secretly would create an "Obama-styled army of community organizers modeled after Saul Alinsky's 'Peoples Organizations.'" So which is it?
In an era in which Congress can approve thousands of pages of legislation spending hundreds of billions of dollars without reading the proposal, there seems to be no definitive answer on what some of the vague language of H.R. 1388 means.
But there is enough in the "GIVE Act," now awaiting a conference committee in Congress after being approved by both the U.S. House and Senate, to cause critics to shiver.
For example, it certainly imposes a requirement for public service on some people, even though its original much-feared study on mandatory service for all was moved to another bill during congressional debate.
"The Audacity of Deceit" exposes exactly who Barack Obama is. He isn't pedaling "change you can believe in" – he's planning to uproot American culture and replace it with the failed, secular, socialist policies of the past.
The latest version includes a "National Service Reserve Corps" whose members have completed a "term of national service," "has successfully completed training" and "complete not less than 10 hours of volunteering each year."
It also raises First Amendment issues over its limitations on what various corps participants are allowed to do.
For example, it states those in an "approved national service position" may not try to influence legislation, engage in protests or petitions, take positions on union organizing, engage in partisan political activities, or, among other issues, be "engaging in religious instruction, conducting worship services, providing instruction as part of a program that includes mandatory religious instruction or worship, constructing or operating facilities devoted to religious instruction or worship, maintaining facilities primarily or inherently devoted to religious instruction or worship, or engaging in any form of proselytization."
Probably the biggest red flag for many is how the proposal fits into the overall picture painted by President Obama when he described to a Colorado Springs audience a "National Civilian Security Force" that he wants as big and well-funded as the U.S. military – a staggering suggestion that would involve hundreds of billions of dollars a year.
WND reported when the bill began its quick trip through Congress, and its original language called for a study of how best to implement a mandatory national service program for citizens of the United States.
Later the language was dropped from that bill, only to appear at the same time in another legislative proposal.
Judi McLeod wrote for Canada Free Press that the bill simply would turn everyone into a community organizer.
"Everybody means the roughly seven million people called to public duty in the $6 billion National Service effort," she said. "But members pressed into the service of the one million-strong Youth Brigade, sanctioned by 'Generations Invigorating Volunteerism and Education (GIVE),' will have none of the freedoms of the community organizer who started it all.
"There's no room for God in Obama's long promised Youth Brigade, no room to protest, petition, to boycott or to support a strike, and loopholes to give its mandatory membership a pass," she wrote. "Obama's plan requires anyone receiving school loans, among others to serve at least three months as part of the brigade."
She also describes one section with a program to introduce "service learning" as "a mandatory part of the curriculum in all of the secondary schools served by the local educational agency."
The plan suggests raising the participation in such programs from 75,000 now to 250,000.
Gary Wood at Examiner.com said it's part of Obama's plan to set up national service. He noted the explanation offered by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: "It's time for a real Patriot Act that brings out the patriot in all of us. We propose universal civilian service for every young American. Under this plan, all Americans between the ages of 18 and 25 will be asked to serve their country by going through three months of basic training, civil defense preparation and community service."
Gary Lester, writing at All American Blogger, put into words the worst fears of opponents.
"Hitler knew that if you control the youth, you control the future. I wrote about him in 'The Threats to Homeschooling: From Hitler to the NEA.' As I noted in that article, Hitler said: 'The Youth of today is ever the people of tomorrow. For this reason we have set before ourselves the task of innoculating our youth with the spirit of this community of the people at a very early age, at an age when human beings are still unperverted and therefore unspoiled,'" he wrote.
He cited the Hitler Youth's launch in the 1920s. In 1933, the participants totaled 100,000, and in 1939 the membership was compulsory for those over 17. Two years later, the membership was compulsory for those over 10, and it included 90 percent of the nation's youth.
He also cited concerns it would steer volunteers away from churches, politicize charity and focus on the "education" of participants.
"The legislation will, in many circumstances, force our children to participate in charitable activity as part of school – and that activity may well be chosen by or approved by a bureaucrat," he suggested.
At Washington Watch one forum participant warned, "Our republic is under attack as never before."
Said another, "This is social engineering at the very least, and could be the first step towards the reinstitution of slavery! Take heed, the New World Order (aka 'Change') draws nigh!"
Congress also is considering a "public service academy, a four-year institution that offers a federally funded undergraduate education with a focus on training future public sector leaders."
Joseph Farah, founder and editor of WND, used his daily column first to raise the issue of a "national civilian force" and then to elevate it with a call to all reporters to start asking questions.
"If we're going to create some kind of national police force as big, powerful and well-funded as our combined U.S. military forces, isn't this rather a big deal?" Farah wrote. "I thought Democrats generally believed the U.S. spent too much on the military. How is it possible their candidate is seeking to create some kind of massive but secret national police force that will be even bigger than the Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force put together?
"Is Obama serious about creating some kind of domestic security force bigger and more expensive than that? If not, why did he say it? What did he mean?" Farah wrote.
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Bedtime Marines
Yo ho, Blow the man down! At least that's what it's doing in Page. As if sand isn't uninviting enough, now we get to deal with near constant 30-40 mph winds which help us experience the sand with all 5 senses. Yeech.
April 1st has come and gone and everyone got a good joke played on them, except Neisha hasn't discovered her joke yet so I'm waiting in total anticipation of getting in trouble. The kids also played lots of jokes on each other because they're very competitive. This brings me to the first part of today's title. My kids are extremely competitive. When they were tiny, they would have contests to see who could ram themselves into the wall the hardest. They have contests to see who can drink the most milk without throwing up, who did the most interesting thing that day, who can kick the hardest (and get kicked the hardest without crying). They compete with brushing teeth and throwing things, and getting ready for bed. This particular time we were driving home and I said to them that when we got home the first person ready for bed all the way including jammies, bathroom, teeth, and drink (you have to say this or they won't do it) will get a 5 minute backscratch. This was followed by a lot of shuffling in the back of the van.
Finally we reached the driveway and as I was pulling in the side doors suddenly flew open and the boys piled out like Marines out of a helicopter in a firefight. The difference between Marines and my boys though are that Marines are dressed for combat and when my kids left the van they weren't dressed at all! They had alreay stripped most of their clothes off in prep for being the first one ready.
April 1st has come and gone and everyone got a good joke played on them, except Neisha hasn't discovered her joke yet so I'm waiting in total anticipation of getting in trouble. The kids also played lots of jokes on each other because they're very competitive. This brings me to the first part of today's title. My kids are extremely competitive. When they were tiny, they would have contests to see who could ram themselves into the wall the hardest. They have contests to see who can drink the most milk without throwing up, who did the most interesting thing that day, who can kick the hardest (and get kicked the hardest without crying). They compete with brushing teeth and throwing things, and getting ready for bed. This particular time we were driving home and I said to them that when we got home the first person ready for bed all the way including jammies, bathroom, teeth, and drink (you have to say this or they won't do it) will get a 5 minute backscratch. This was followed by a lot of shuffling in the back of the van.
Finally we reached the driveway and as I was pulling in the side doors suddenly flew open and the boys piled out like Marines out of a helicopter in a firefight. The difference between Marines and my boys though are that Marines are dressed for combat and when my kids left the van they weren't dressed at all! They had alreay stripped most of their clothes off in prep for being the first one ready.
Monday, March 2, 2009
A Most Extrodinary Talent
Greetings, greetings it is I King Bonehead returned after a brief trip to the doldrums to regale you with tales of wonder, wiffle ball, and waffles. First, my brief trip to the doldrums. I admit, I was caught up in the depressed mood the country seems to be going through at the moment despite the stimuless package but have decided that as long as I can have a Dr. Pepper and plant things in my yard I'll be ok. For any of you who don't already know, we live in a VERY small town. About 7000 I'd guess. Living in a small town brings with it some unique experiences. For example, I went to the local plant nursery today and started talking with the lady in charge. As I described what I wanted to plant in the front yard, she said "Oh that will look wonderful right next to your driveway!" Huh?
"Have you seen my house?" I asked innocently.
"Oh yeah. It's the brown one on Pinto." Insert twilight zone music now. She then made suggestions about what might look nice next to the house too. I didn't argue. And when I had a question about a certain plant, she gave me directions to her house as well as three others where I could go see what they look like. I secretly wondered if the people that live in those houses sit at home wondering why so many people show up out of the blue just to get out of their cars and gawk at their Yucca Recurvifolia.
Well, enough said for now. The family is doing wonderfully. My oldest is doing home school and therefore my wife is a certified hero. When she's not pulling her hair out. We might have to invest in Rogaine before long. He is also doing scouts, trumpet and piano lessons, and soccer. His first tournament was a lesson in abject humiliation. His team showed up and discovered they had to play the Area 51 genetic mutant team of indeterminate age and origin. They had kids with legs that were bigger than my whole kid! Ugh. He did alright though.
Parker and Alex are starting baseball and are both really good at it. Alex likes any sport that allows him to get dirty. And as for Marcus, well, he is the title of today's edition.
Every Monday we have family night which means we don't do extra curricular stuff. It's our night. And we make a big deal of it. We have an activity and a snack, a short lesson about something good and a talent. Each week one or more of our boys gets to show off a talent they have. You might be thinking, "how sweet." If so, please read more about my boys. Usually when it's talent time we go get the first aid kit and a fire extinguisher. So tonight Marcus comes up to me and wants me to watch his talent he's been practicing for family night (remember, he's 3). I say, "Ok Marcus show me what you've got". He then turns around and grabs the squirt bottle and squirts himself dead in the face. Repeatedly! He then wipes it off with a towel and says, "I'm all wet dad. Cool." Yep, that's my kid.
Well that's all the news that's fit to print so until next time if you really want to impress someone squirt yourself in the face. It'll leave em' speechless.
"Have you seen my house?" I asked innocently.
"Oh yeah. It's the brown one on Pinto." Insert twilight zone music now. She then made suggestions about what might look nice next to the house too. I didn't argue. And when I had a question about a certain plant, she gave me directions to her house as well as three others where I could go see what they look like. I secretly wondered if the people that live in those houses sit at home wondering why so many people show up out of the blue just to get out of their cars and gawk at their Yucca Recurvifolia.
Well, enough said for now. The family is doing wonderfully. My oldest is doing home school and therefore my wife is a certified hero. When she's not pulling her hair out. We might have to invest in Rogaine before long. He is also doing scouts, trumpet and piano lessons, and soccer. His first tournament was a lesson in abject humiliation. His team showed up and discovered they had to play the Area 51 genetic mutant team of indeterminate age and origin. They had kids with legs that were bigger than my whole kid! Ugh. He did alright though.
Parker and Alex are starting baseball and are both really good at it. Alex likes any sport that allows him to get dirty. And as for Marcus, well, he is the title of today's edition.
Every Monday we have family night which means we don't do extra curricular stuff. It's our night. And we make a big deal of it. We have an activity and a snack, a short lesson about something good and a talent. Each week one or more of our boys gets to show off a talent they have. You might be thinking, "how sweet." If so, please read more about my boys. Usually when it's talent time we go get the first aid kit and a fire extinguisher. So tonight Marcus comes up to me and wants me to watch his talent he's been practicing for family night (remember, he's 3). I say, "Ok Marcus show me what you've got". He then turns around and grabs the squirt bottle and squirts himself dead in the face. Repeatedly! He then wipes it off with a towel and says, "I'm all wet dad. Cool." Yep, that's my kid.
Well that's all the news that's fit to print so until next time if you really want to impress someone squirt yourself in the face. It'll leave em' speechless.
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