The Law

I have recently discovered a new Law. The impact this law has is enormous and should be considered in the same realm as the laws of physics and gravity. If you have children you will undoubtedly be effected by this law though you may not know that it has a name.

The law I'm referring to is the Law of Diminishing Utencils. In order to understand how this law works, let me explain first Johnson's First Law of Excessive Utencil Usage which states: A child will use utencils in direct porportion to the number of utencils owned multipled by 5. Allow me to explain...

You buy utencils enough to service 12 people. That's 12 spoons, 12 larger spoons, 12 forks, 12 larger forks, and 12 knives, plus 12 bowls, and 12 plates. That's 84 pieces of serving hardware. Right. Add to that enough cups to serve 23 people and you have 107 total pieces of serving hardware. Now, add to the equation 4 children. Given the current number of serving pieces, that's 29.75pieces of silverware/cups/plates etc. per child. A parent with children will tell you that 26.75 pieces of silverware/cups/plates per child is not enough. Why?

I once did an experiment at my house to determine the answer to that question. At 8am all the silverware was in the drawer and all the cups and bowls, etc. were in the cupboard. (this was when we had 83 pieces of silverware, more on that later). For Breakfast, the kids all ate cereal. Normally this would be 4 spoons, 4 bowls, 4 cups right? Wrong. Marcus used two spoons and the other kids didn't use their spoons at all but threw them in the sink anyway so technically that counted as being used. Then they all went for seconds, but realizing they had already put their bowls and spoons and cups in the sink got more. Add to that 1 more cup. 4 to be used for milk, and one more for Parker who doesn't like to mix milk and water. Breakfast total: 26.

Between 8 and 12, another 9 cups went in the sink because each child got two drinks and Parker had 3: 2 waters, one milk. Lunch time brought out 5 plates, 4 forks, and 4 cups. Marcus knocked his first plate on the ground. Snack/Lunch Total: 23

At some point between 12 and 5pm the last 5 cups got used along with 6 "other" cups. At our house, "other" could mean mugs, thermos's, bowls, funnels, jars, anything that can hold liquid. 8 more plates were used because they all ate chicken nuggets at snack time and chips, and then had more plates later when they wanted more nuggets. Can't use the old one cause it's dirty right?

And finally at dinner time at another 4 of everything. By this time the dishwasher was done so the boys happily used another 6 or 7 cups getting drinks of water (and milk) before bed. Evening Totals: 46

Grand Total: 95

"But wait!" you say. "95 is less than 107. That should be enough." Ah, but you forget my young padowan, the Law of Diminishing Utencils! This law states: The amount of utencils owned will decrease at an increased rate in correlation to the number of children living in the home. We have 4. That means that on any given day, we will lose 13 pieces utencils. For example, yesterday I loaded the dishwasher with nearly 20 forks. After they were clean, I put them back into the drawer. All 20 of them (remember that number). A few hours later I wanted a fork, opened the drawer and there were two forks. Just two. I looked in the sink. No forks. I looked in the dishwasher. No forks. I asked my 4 children, "Have you guys used any forks?" This is what they said:
Josh: "Parker used some."
Parker: "No I didn't! You did!"
Josh: "No I didn't Parker, you used one to stab ants."
Parker "That was Alex!"
Alex: "It was not, it was a beetle."
Josh: "Well Parker still used some"
Parker: "Yeah, to eat chicken nuggets"
Marcus: "I like forks! Can I have skittles?"

It kind of deteriorated form there so I left the room and continued my search. I did manage to find some here and there and by the end of the day we managed to scrape enough together to have dinner. So the morale of this story is to remember to support the Global Warming movement and buy lots of paper plates and plastic utencils.

Two Vacations and It's All in the Attitude

A very stiff and sore "hello" from Bonehead Land! Why am I stiff and sore? Because we've spent the last two days on Lake Powell with Scott "Sharky", his wunderclan, and his boat the Chum Bucket. We had a lot of fun. Hopefully pics will follow. Josh, Neisha, and I all learned how to wakeboard and Josh and I learned what a rug must feel like when you beat it with a stick. Allow me to Elucidate.

Scott bought a tube and told us "this boat really makes a great wake for tubing. I can even fill up some ballast tanks on board to make it bigger!" Well, who can ignore that kind of boyish glee? Not us for sure so out we went in turns, like little sheep fish to the slaughter. Scott starts going around in circles creating waves that would sink a battleship, and then, just when Josh or I was behind one of his Tscott Tsunami's he turned the boat straight and gunned it, effectively launching us straight up in the air. Here's the fun part: Gravity. As we came down we landed on another upwards traveling wave. Smack! Repeat ad nauseum. Literally. Kristen and Christopher also took a sound beating and Kristen took the height record, performing a twisted gainer with a face plant. Cliff Diving was great too, except for all the kids making fun of me for being scared of heights. Not cool.

Our other little vacation was to the Grand Canyon, big hole of the west. Mark and his clan came down and spent a couple of days here. The canyon was really beautiful except (Mark decided) it must have been half off for stinky people day. He was right! It was like being down wind of a turkey farm, a pig farm, a cow farm, and a used diaper heap all in one! Lot of French people there too...

Well anyway, we took a lot of pics and had a great time. On the way home we got stuck behind an accident which kept us stuck for two hours, but in true Johnson style we all got out and played catch. It was really great to see them.

In other news, Parker has once again shown us the power of a good attitude. Tonight we had pizza for dinner and it was awful. Truly some of the worst we've ever had. And as everyone started complaining about it Parker piped up and said, "Well, we can at least be grateful that it's food and not poop," and the laughter that followed more than made up for the pizza.

That's about it from the desk here at Bonehead central, so until next time be grateful for food. It could be worse.

The PTG and the Crux of Therapy

Well, it's been a great few weeks here at the Bonehead Farm. We recently went to the DCI performance in Ogden, UT and for those of you not familiar with it I've included a link to a video you can watch. The boys were mesmerized for nearly 3 hours and I think it's safe to say that they all want to play brass or percussion instruments. Marcus especially liked the performances and vomited profuse amounts of praise. Ahem.

Speaking of Marcus, he has learned how to be polite when saying "No" (which happens a lot). Now, instead of just yelling "NO!" he yells, "No Sir!" Well, it ain't perfect but what're ya gonna do? He is learning new words everyday. Yesterday's word was "Tremendous." I took a big bite of apple in front of him and he yelled "Wow! That was tremendous!" Not sure where he learned it, but ok we can deal with that. Marcus has also entered the PTG, that mystical path which a young man must travel before reaching the noble position of "big boy" at the Johnson house. The PTG, or Potty Training Gauntlet has always held a place of trepidation and anxiety at our house and now that we're in it, there's no going back. Ugh. Thankfully he's learning fast although he hasn't quite figured out what to do with poo when it comes around. Usually he'll come and ask us which, as you might guess is the makings for a fecal fiasco.

The other boys are doing great as you can see from the pix. They are enjoying every last second of summer on the trampoline and digging in our huge pile of dirt which they have named "Skull Mountain" after digging a couple of holes in one side that eerily resemble a real skeleton head. BTW, how much dirt do you put in a grave? A skele-ton. Get it? I made that up last night.

The last part of today's title deals with what I do. You learn in grad school many of the intricate processes that combine to create change in a persons' life. A person comes in at a point of conflict in their life and our job is to help them get past it, to make the needed change in order to have a more fulfilling future. In layman's terms we sell change. But the path is sometimes delicate and hard to follow. There are times when it isn't clear where to go or what to say. Therefore I have included this short video from Bob Newhart that demonstrates in a clear manner what so many therapists long to say to their clients. Follow the link here: http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE

And that is the news from Bonehead Central so until next time, keep smiling. People will wonder what you're up to.

Learning From Experience

Mark Twain once said, "Only take from an experience what value there is in it. A cat who sits on a hot stove will never sit on a hot stove again. But he won't sit on a cold one either." So here is the situation: 3 of my children-Larry, Curly, and Moe went swimming at the local pool. It is about two miles away from our home. Neisha said, "I'll pick you up here at 2pm." At 1:30 they decide they are tired of swimming and figure they'll just walk home. No problem, except they have one pair of shoes between the 3 of them. So off they go down the road in 90 degree weather. They discovered two very important things: First, that the sun makes cement very hot. Second, that it is a lot further to walk somewhere than to drive. By the time we found them Josh was carrying Alex and Parker was walking on his tip toes and all of them had blisters on their feet. Poor kids. 

That was the hot stove. Lesson learned, right? Wrong. Not a week later two boys, whose names shall remain un-named (ahem) go to the pool and were told, "DO NOT LEAVE THE POOL UNTIL I COME GET YOU AT 2pm. IT IS NOW 1pm." That is some pretty clear communication. So at 1:40 the two un-named boys leave the pool and come to my office. But they don't come IN to the office they just stand outside in the parking lot and hop up and down on one foot because it is very hot outside and they are sharing one pair of shoes. sigh. 

What would Mark Twain say about those two I wonder? 

In the home front news, we finished putting the trampoline into the ground and finished putting a sprinkler system in the front yard. We've built a deck, stained it, and have more big plans in store. I have to thank Doug for helping me make sense of deck plans and for taking time out of his weekend to boil out in the sun while I learned how to aim a nail gun. And I have to thank my own Dad for helping me make sense of electricity when it came to wiring the sprinkling system. Dads are the greatest thing in the world. Anyone who is reading this should go right out and purchase their father a gift card to the Home Depot or Lowes. :)

Well that's the latest update from the desk here at Bonehead Central so until next time keep your shoes on. 

Sayon-aura and the Mud Brothers

Once again, hello to all of our Bonehead Readers across the land of the free, and the home of the extremely dirty Johnson boys who have decided that since we don't have a pool, having dirt to swim in is the next best thing. It was so great to hear them: "Hey Parker, let's go roll in the dirt!"
"Yeah, let's get the dirtiest of all."
"I can dirtier than that!"
"No way! I can put dirt in my hair!"
"Cool! I want to try!"

I've included a pic to prove this. And yes, it is true that our home is still mostly dirt outside but that is quickly changing. We've started putting in a sprinkling system and will be putting in sod within the month.

In other house news, Neisha has tackled the building of a block wall around the in-ground trampoline and is having a lot of fun with it. She's doing a fine job of it too. Check out the pic!

And now for a little check-in with the Johnson Boys...

Josh continues to amaze us with his love for life and his ability to achieve. He received the Presidential Fitness award in school, the only one in his class. This means that he needed to be above the 85% in all of the categories. He even ran a 6 minute mile! He also qualified for the gifted program at the middle school and is participating in a special summer school program for those kids. Weird. He put summer school and excited in the same sentence.

Parker has been enjoying quite a bit of sports related success too. He won the National Fitness award and was one of just a handful of kids who did it. And he's had a great time playing baseball and in fact his team took first place in his bracket and they all got a big trophy. He also participated in field day for his school. He was a part of a four-man 400 meter relay. Out of 20 teams his took first and Parker was very instrumental in that win by running the first leg faster than anyone else.
After the race they received 1st place ribbons and as Parker got on the bus to go back to school he (in total humility) waggled his ribbon back and forth and said, "Who wants to sit by me?" Later he told me, "Five girls raised their hand, Dad. And Taylor, she raised her hand but she didn't get to sit by me. But Alexa, she raised her hand and she got to sit by me." What a kid.
One other Parkerism: The other day Neisha got in the car to go to church and when he smelled her perfume he said, "Mom what are you wearing?"
"It's just my natural aura," she replied.
"Well then wear less of it," he said.

Alex is just enjoying the heck out of life. He and I recently went to Indiana for a week and while there he got to go the Indianapolis Speedway to watch the Indy 500 cars run their qualifying laps, and get REALLY close to a lion at the Indianapolis Zoo. And what did he say to the lion?
"Here Lion lion. Come and eat me, I've got a nice fresh leg here for you. And look at this nice head, lots of tasty meat. C'mon Mr. Lion, I've got ketchup and mustard and everything! Look at that nice arm!" I have the video. The people around us just stared at him. Then they stared at me. I laughed and I'm sure they thought I was a very sick parent.

Marcus is still a wonderfully independent and capable little guy, and sometimes as weird as a three-dollar bill. Last night when I went in to tell him goodnight he reached up and pulled my head down onto his chest in a hug. It was very cute. After a couple of minutes of total silence, I felt his little hand reach down, grab my nose a little bit, and then I hear "munch munch munch." He ate my nose! We weren't even playing a game. The things that go on inside his head, I tell you.

Well, that's about it for this edition so until next time, keep your hose handy.