Greetings, greetings it is I King Bonehead returned after a brief trip to the doldrums to regale you with tales of wonder, wiffle ball, and waffles. First, my brief trip to the doldrums. I admit, I was caught up in the depressed mood the country seems to be going through at the moment despite the stimuless package but have decided that as long as I can have a Dr. Pepper and plant things in my yard I'll be ok. For any of you who don't already know, we live in a VERY small town. About 7000 I'd guess. Living in a small town brings with it some unique experiences. For example, I went to the local plant nursery today and started talking with the lady in charge. As I described what I wanted to plant in the front yard, she said "Oh that will look wonderful right next to your driveway!" Huh?
"Have you seen my house?" I asked innocently.
"Oh yeah. It's the brown one on Pinto." Insert twilight zone music now. She then made suggestions about what might look nice next to the house too. I didn't argue. And when I had a question about a certain plant, she gave me directions to her house as well as three others where I could go see what they look like. I secretly wondered if the people that live in those houses sit at home wondering why so many people show up out of the blue just to get out of their cars and gawk at their Yucca Recurvifolia.
Well, enough said for now. The family is doing wonderfully. My oldest is doing home school and therefore my wife is a certified hero. When she's not pulling her hair out. We might have to invest in Rogaine before long. He is also doing scouts, trumpet and piano lessons, and soccer. His first tournament was a lesson in abject humiliation. His team showed up and discovered they had to play the Area 51 genetic mutant team of indeterminate age and origin. They had kids with legs that were bigger than my whole kid! Ugh. He did alright though.
Parker and Alex are starting baseball and are both really good at it. Alex likes any sport that allows him to get dirty. And as for Marcus, well, he is the title of today's edition.
Every Monday we have family night which means we don't do extra curricular stuff. It's our night. And we make a big deal of it. We have an activity and a snack, a short lesson about something good and a talent. Each week one or more of our boys gets to show off a talent they have. You might be thinking, "how sweet." If so, please read more about my boys. Usually when it's talent time we go get the first aid kit and a fire extinguisher. So tonight Marcus comes up to me and wants me to watch his talent he's been practicing for family night (remember, he's 3). I say, "Ok Marcus show me what you've got". He then turns around and grabs the squirt bottle and squirts himself dead in the face. Repeatedly! He then wipes it off with a towel and says, "I'm all wet dad. Cool." Yep, that's my kid.
Well that's all the news that's fit to print so until next time if you really want to impress someone squirt yourself in the face. It'll leave em' speechless.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Return of Dr. Vox!
You know, being a dad is tough work. There are lots of things you have to be willing to endure. Barf, toys that trip you in the middle of the night, bits of Dorito chips in your bed, tools that suddenly go missing, finding the cat's hair inside your electric razor, stuff like that. There is one thing though that I'll bet not many of you dads out there have had to endure: Dr. Vox. Let me introduce you: Dr. Vox was invented by my son Parker a couple years ago. Dr. Vox is part mad scientist and part door-to-door salesman. He was introduced in 2007 and a visit to Dr. Vox went something like this:
(Scene: Missionaries over for dinner.)
Dr Vox: You have a problem you need to see Dr.Vox! (the mere fact that he refers to himself in the 3rd person is disturbing enough)
Missionary: But there’s nothing wrong with me.
DV: Yeah, there is, your foot hurts.
M: Ok. You’re right, it has been hurting a bit.
DV: Prepare the operating room!
There is something you all need to know about now. Dr. Vox has two sadistic henchmen, uh, I mean nurses who are ready to inflict cures upon anyone Dr. Vox deems worthy. Suddenly Dr. Vox yelled that the patient has a foot problem and that he needs to be put to sleep for the operation.
DV: Go get the sleep gun!
Henchman: I’ll get two!
The henchmen return a moment later with a semi-automatic anesthesia gun (which shoots 10 consecutive sleeping darts) and an anesthesia bazooka. The missionary begins to say (while on the floor) that he doesn’t need to go to sleep, that’s it’s just an ache. Dr. Vox then told him to stop being a wimp and stood on top of him while the nurses whapped in the head with approximately enough anesthesia to put down a small herd of elephants.
DV: Ok, guys get the saws!
What followed was not pretty. But in his defense, I will say that Dr. Vox, in an attempt to ease the pain of having his foot cut off, cut off his leg first so that he wouldn’t feel his foot being cut off. God bless him.
That was then. I told you that story in order to tell you this one.
Vox is back. We thought that a strong regimen of medications and calming music might cure him. We thought wrong. It all started with me wrestling the boys on the floor. When they won't get off I pull on their toes. It drives them nuts and so they will get off. So there I was pulling on Parker's toes when suddenly Parker turned into Dr. Vox and yelled, "Josh quick! Something's wrong with Dad's head! Get the saw!" The sheer insanity of that statement made me laugh out loud. I couldn't stop thinking, "Gosh that's bit over the top" but oh well. Drastic measures and all.
Well the henchman nurse brought out a 4 ft. long sword which Vox instantly sawed my head off with. Then he yelled for the nurse to grab some nails and a hammer in order to keep the rest of me on the table. Of course I start laughing again and couldn't resist the running violin gag:
Me: Doctor, tell me! Will I ever play the violin again!?
Vox: Well I don't know, your head's off and so you shouldn't even be able to talk! He yelled the last part just to be sure I heard. In hindsight his response is almost as funny as the original punchline. After removing my brain with tweezers and fixing it, he told me to lay still while he nailed my head back on. He was almost done when he exclaimed, "Oh crap!"
Nurse/henchman: What Dr. Vox?
Vox: We forgot the pain killer!
Nurse/henchman: I'll go get it!
Vox: I'm going to have to cut your head off again. we forgot to put in the pain killer. (Regardless of what they tell you in med school, if you screw up an operation just start over. That's best.)
The pain killer turned out to be a tranc bazooka and Vox had the 'nurses'tie my arms and legs to the table. My theory? If you have to tie your patients to the bed in order to give them pain meds, the meds probably aren't that great. That's just a hunch though. Once the pain meds were in place they went ahead and nailed my head back on and as a special service he painted the nails with a nice skin color so they'd match my neck. How nice.
Stay tuned for lessons we learned from Dad being dumb!
(Scene: Missionaries over for dinner.)
Dr Vox: You have a problem you need to see Dr.Vox! (the mere fact that he refers to himself in the 3rd person is disturbing enough)
Missionary: But there’s nothing wrong with me.
DV: Yeah, there is, your foot hurts.
M: Ok. You’re right, it has been hurting a bit.
DV: Prepare the operating room!
There is something you all need to know about now. Dr. Vox has two sadistic henchmen, uh, I mean nurses who are ready to inflict cures upon anyone Dr. Vox deems worthy. Suddenly Dr. Vox yelled that the patient has a foot problem and that he needs to be put to sleep for the operation.
DV: Go get the sleep gun!
Henchman: I’ll get two!
The henchmen return a moment later with a semi-automatic anesthesia gun (which shoots 10 consecutive sleeping darts) and an anesthesia bazooka. The missionary begins to say (while on the floor) that he doesn’t need to go to sleep, that’s it’s just an ache. Dr. Vox then told him to stop being a wimp and stood on top of him while the nurses whapped in the head with approximately enough anesthesia to put down a small herd of elephants.
DV: Ok, guys get the saws!
What followed was not pretty. But in his defense, I will say that Dr. Vox, in an attempt to ease the pain of having his foot cut off, cut off his leg first so that he wouldn’t feel his foot being cut off. God bless him.
That was then. I told you that story in order to tell you this one.
Vox is back. We thought that a strong regimen of medications and calming music might cure him. We thought wrong. It all started with me wrestling the boys on the floor. When they won't get off I pull on their toes. It drives them nuts and so they will get off. So there I was pulling on Parker's toes when suddenly Parker turned into Dr. Vox and yelled, "Josh quick! Something's wrong with Dad's head! Get the saw!" The sheer insanity of that statement made me laugh out loud. I couldn't stop thinking, "Gosh that's bit over the top" but oh well. Drastic measures and all.
Well the henchman nurse brought out a 4 ft. long sword which Vox instantly sawed my head off with. Then he yelled for the nurse to grab some nails and a hammer in order to keep the rest of me on the table. Of course I start laughing again and couldn't resist the running violin gag:
Me: Doctor, tell me! Will I ever play the violin again!?
Vox: Well I don't know, your head's off and so you shouldn't even be able to talk! He yelled the last part just to be sure I heard. In hindsight his response is almost as funny as the original punchline. After removing my brain with tweezers and fixing it, he told me to lay still while he nailed my head back on. He was almost done when he exclaimed, "Oh crap!"
Nurse/henchman: What Dr. Vox?
Vox: We forgot the pain killer!
Nurse/henchman: I'll go get it!
Vox: I'm going to have to cut your head off again. we forgot to put in the pain killer. (Regardless of what they tell you in med school, if you screw up an operation just start over. That's best.)
The pain killer turned out to be a tranc bazooka and Vox had the 'nurses'tie my arms and legs to the table. My theory? If you have to tie your patients to the bed in order to give them pain meds, the meds probably aren't that great. That's just a hunch though. Once the pain meds were in place they went ahead and nailed my head back on and as a special service he painted the nails with a nice skin color so they'd match my neck. How nice.
Stay tuned for lessons we learned from Dad being dumb!
Friday, February 6, 2009
And That's the Tooth!
Greetings everyone! Okay, enough silly banter it's on to business...
I have a confession to make: It's tough being a tooth fairy! Who made up the legend of the tooth fairy anyway? And what does said fairy do with all the teeth? Does she wear them? Does she use them to pave her fairy driveway? Or are they really what's inside maracas? Regardless, it's kind of scary to think about someone who has an obsession with human teeth. Yecch. Yet that's what kind of Goofiness we parents inflict onour kids.
"Goodnight Alex, and remember, the tooth fairy is going sneak into your room tonight and steal your human teeth... Sleep tight."
Anyway I digress. I was saying that it's tough being the tooth fairy. The Tooth Fairy that visits the Johnson home must be kind of old because frequently she forgets to come for a few days. Allow me to illucidate Alex lost a tooth on Thursday and the TF only just managed to show up Saturday night. Every parent who is trying to perpetuate the lie by giving their kid money for teeth so that their kid can use the money to buy more candy and lose more teeth hates the realization that they forgot to do it. So Alex asked both of us many times (over the three days) why the TF didn't come. Here are some of our favorites:
• Well the TF just likes her teeth aged a bit buddy.
• The flu has been going around, maybe she has a sore throat.
• You know Alex the TF has been around a Long time, maybe she kind of forgetful.
• The TF doesn't like Your teeth. They smell funny (just kidding!)
• Maybe she only comes on Saturday night?
* Have you checked inside the cat's mouth?
You get the picture. We're not very good tooth fairies.
I have a confession to make: It's tough being a tooth fairy! Who made up the legend of the tooth fairy anyway? And what does said fairy do with all the teeth? Does she wear them? Does she use them to pave her fairy driveway? Or are they really what's inside maracas? Regardless, it's kind of scary to think about someone who has an obsession with human teeth. Yecch. Yet that's what kind of Goofiness we parents inflict onour kids.
"Goodnight Alex, and remember, the tooth fairy is going sneak into your room tonight and steal your human teeth... Sleep tight."
Anyway I digress. I was saying that it's tough being the tooth fairy. The Tooth Fairy that visits the Johnson home must be kind of old because frequently she forgets to come for a few days. Allow me to illucidate Alex lost a tooth on Thursday and the TF only just managed to show up Saturday night. Every parent who is trying to perpetuate the lie by giving their kid money for teeth so that their kid can use the money to buy more candy and lose more teeth hates the realization that they forgot to do it. So Alex asked both of us many times (over the three days) why the TF didn't come. Here are some of our favorites:
• Well the TF just likes her teeth aged a bit buddy.
• The flu has been going around, maybe she has a sore throat.
• You know Alex the TF has been around a Long time, maybe she kind of forgetful.
• The TF doesn't like Your teeth. They smell funny (just kidding!)
• Maybe she only comes on Saturday night?
* Have you checked inside the cat's mouth?
You get the picture. We're not very good tooth fairies.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Ramblings, Musings, and Weird Stuff
Greetings to all you visitors across the fruited plains! (Fruity plains if you're in San Francisco).
Gosh where to start...The kids are running around the house doing "tidy army," which is a cleverly disguised game in which the kids get to put on rollerblades and zip around the house putting stuff away. This is a good time to wear shoes and stay out of the way. We've also managed to inherit another cat. She was rescued from the dump and she's great. Her name is Gracie. And she's already chasing Jack around the house.
In Alex news, the weirdo with a penchant for strangeness has once again proved beyond all doubt that he needs to stop watching Monty Python. Let me explain. Each night Neisha or I take turns reading the scriptures with him. Neish or I will read a few verses and then he gets to. Well, Alex has decided that it is his life's goal to never read the scriptures in a normal voice. The other night he decided it was Chinese day and when he read he pronounced all the 'L's as 'R's. So we read about the Rord and Arma and I nearly started crying with laughter when he belted out in his biggest 7 year old Chinese voice, "Behord Thus sayeth the Rord God of Israer!" We've also enjoyed opera style where he sings the verses like a princess, slo-mo style, and the always popular Power Ranger style in which every few words are emphasized with a genuine Power Ranger pose.
In Parker's corner we find a rat named Mack who has really captured his heart. A rat is not something we usually equate with affection but Mack is not an ordinary rat. He rides on Parker's shoulder and really enjoys burrowing under his shirt until just his eyes and nose poke out. Anyway, Parker really loves him. Recently we told him that he had to put Mack back in his cage and go to bed. A few minutes later Neish went in to sing him a song and found Parker hiding under his covers just sobbing uncontrollably. She sat down next to him and after several minutes was able to get him to stop crying and settle down. She asked what had made him so sad. "Well," he said, "I put Mack back in his cage and when I shut the door he just put his down and walked back into his little house like he was really sad that I did that to him." Precious.
Marcus is still on stupid patrol and manages to hear from anywhere in the house when someone says that "S" word. He also had aquired the incredible talent of climibing up the shelves in the pantry to eat chips. 7 feet up the shelves. At age 3. Going to need to keep a leash on that one.
And of course Josh keeps busy with soccer, home schooling, trumpet, piano, video games, and listening to every adventure book known to man on his ipod.
Well, the superbowl is almost on, I don't care, and we're having steaks tonight!
Gosh where to start...The kids are running around the house doing "tidy army," which is a cleverly disguised game in which the kids get to put on rollerblades and zip around the house putting stuff away. This is a good time to wear shoes and stay out of the way. We've also managed to inherit another cat. She was rescued from the dump and she's great. Her name is Gracie. And she's already chasing Jack around the house.
In Alex news, the weirdo with a penchant for strangeness has once again proved beyond all doubt that he needs to stop watching Monty Python. Let me explain. Each night Neisha or I take turns reading the scriptures with him. Neish or I will read a few verses and then he gets to. Well, Alex has decided that it is his life's goal to never read the scriptures in a normal voice. The other night he decided it was Chinese day and when he read he pronounced all the 'L's as 'R's. So we read about the Rord and Arma and I nearly started crying with laughter when he belted out in his biggest 7 year old Chinese voice, "Behord Thus sayeth the Rord God of Israer!" We've also enjoyed opera style where he sings the verses like a princess, slo-mo style, and the always popular Power Ranger style in which every few words are emphasized with a genuine Power Ranger pose.
In Parker's corner we find a rat named Mack who has really captured his heart. A rat is not something we usually equate with affection but Mack is not an ordinary rat. He rides on Parker's shoulder and really enjoys burrowing under his shirt until just his eyes and nose poke out. Anyway, Parker really loves him. Recently we told him that he had to put Mack back in his cage and go to bed. A few minutes later Neish went in to sing him a song and found Parker hiding under his covers just sobbing uncontrollably. She sat down next to him and after several minutes was able to get him to stop crying and settle down. She asked what had made him so sad. "Well," he said, "I put Mack back in his cage and when I shut the door he just put his down and walked back into his little house like he was really sad that I did that to him." Precious.
Marcus is still on stupid patrol and manages to hear from anywhere in the house when someone says that "S" word. He also had aquired the incredible talent of climibing up the shelves in the pantry to eat chips. 7 feet up the shelves. At age 3. Going to need to keep a leash on that one.
And of course Josh keeps busy with soccer, home schooling, trumpet, piano, video games, and listening to every adventure book known to man on his ipod.
Well, the superbowl is almost on, I don't care, and we're having steaks tonight!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Travels with Llamas
You know, occasionally I get really stressed and have to remind myself that it's not the destination that matters but the journey. Journey's got me to thinking about our travels as a family. And traveling as a family brought back lots of memories. Memories of Advil, Alieve, Tylenol, Benedryl, etc.
Actually I got to looking in my files and found this great example. Enjoy.
A couple of summers ago we went on a hike with my brother and his family, which proved not only to be cursed, but quite funny– In a cursed sort of way. The idea was simple enough: Hike to a waterfall. Scott, my brother, had a GPS unit and everything. It was only a mile or so. What could possibly go wrong? We reached the beginning of the hike, consulted the GPS, and headed up the trail. And when I say “up,” I mean up. 4 sneezing adults, 8 children and various biting insects climbing a 60-degree slope. Are we having fun yet? We eventually reached a level plateau and sat down on the side of a wide dirt trail just in time to see an SUV full of people drive by leaving us in a cloud of dust. I looked at Scott. Scott looked at his GPS unit. The kids asked, “Why are those people driving up the mountain?” Cursed. Scott thought we must be over a little too far west. His idea was to cut across the mountainside and then “we’d be there in no time!” We did. (Insert various complaints and whining here). Finally, after several hundred more consultations with the mystic GPS ball, we found. . . another road. Except this one was paved and there were lots of nice houses. Then the pest control guy drove by and we asked him where the waterfall was. He laughed. This was not a good sign. He told us we needed to go back down to the bottom and try again, as we had missed the trail. Double cursed. Another mile back down. The kids took great pleasure in saluting all the people who drove by and forgot all about the evil GPS unit when they discovered a pack of Llamas standing near a parking lot. It was quite a spectacle to see 8 kids dancing around shouting “Llama Llama, we found a Llama!” To bring this story to a close, approximately 5 hours, 3.5 miles, 3 band-aids, 47 salutes, 37 GPS insults, and 6 slightly harassed Llamas later, we arrived at the place we began and discovered that we started our hike from the wrong parking lot.
Now before you all laugh and say, “that fool deserves to be cursed” thus dooming 4 more generations of my family to weirdness, let me share some “cursed family outing” survival tips:
• When roaming in the heat, take some hard candy. It helps keep you from needing a drink all the time, and it helps your children forget that they think you’re an idiot for making them come.
• ANYTIME you say to yourself “Gee, what could possibly go wrong?” pull this story out and read it. Then take some Duct tape with you. I don’t know why, but they say it fixes everything.
• If your spouse thinks you dragged them out into the middle of nowhere on another hair-brained attempt at family togetherness, tell them they’re absolutely right. (This is for shock value) Then before they have a chance to lecture you about how you can’t follow a map to the floor and how you almost have the brains God gave dirt, hand them a $50 and say “go tell someone at Dillard’s.” This will keep them quiet. Then tell them that you’ll give them another $50 if they keep the kids happy.
• Take a lot of Band-aids. They don’t work worth beans, but the kids don’t know that. And if Band-aids don’t work, tell them that suffering builds character.
• Most of all, remember to enjoy the journey. The destination is important, but how you get there makes all the difference. Life is like that you know. It seems like it’s all uphill and just when you think your making progress someone else zooms by, leaving you in the dust. You get tired, scratched up, lost, your kids whine, and sometimes there’s even a Llama or two. But as a very wise person once said, “You never know when your making a memory” so have a little more fun with life. You’ll be happier in the end.
Actually I got to looking in my files and found this great example. Enjoy.
A couple of summers ago we went on a hike with my brother and his family, which proved not only to be cursed, but quite funny– In a cursed sort of way. The idea was simple enough: Hike to a waterfall. Scott, my brother, had a GPS unit and everything. It was only a mile or so. What could possibly go wrong? We reached the beginning of the hike, consulted the GPS, and headed up the trail. And when I say “up,” I mean up. 4 sneezing adults, 8 children and various biting insects climbing a 60-degree slope. Are we having fun yet? We eventually reached a level plateau and sat down on the side of a wide dirt trail just in time to see an SUV full of people drive by leaving us in a cloud of dust. I looked at Scott. Scott looked at his GPS unit. The kids asked, “Why are those people driving up the mountain?” Cursed. Scott thought we must be over a little too far west. His idea was to cut across the mountainside and then “we’d be there in no time!” We did. (Insert various complaints and whining here). Finally, after several hundred more consultations with the mystic GPS ball, we found. . . another road. Except this one was paved and there were lots of nice houses. Then the pest control guy drove by and we asked him where the waterfall was. He laughed. This was not a good sign. He told us we needed to go back down to the bottom and try again, as we had missed the trail. Double cursed. Another mile back down. The kids took great pleasure in saluting all the people who drove by and forgot all about the evil GPS unit when they discovered a pack of Llamas standing near a parking lot. It was quite a spectacle to see 8 kids dancing around shouting “Llama Llama, we found a Llama!” To bring this story to a close, approximately 5 hours, 3.5 miles, 3 band-aids, 47 salutes, 37 GPS insults, and 6 slightly harassed Llamas later, we arrived at the place we began and discovered that we started our hike from the wrong parking lot.
Now before you all laugh and say, “that fool deserves to be cursed” thus dooming 4 more generations of my family to weirdness, let me share some “cursed family outing” survival tips:
• When roaming in the heat, take some hard candy. It helps keep you from needing a drink all the time, and it helps your children forget that they think you’re an idiot for making them come.
• ANYTIME you say to yourself “Gee, what could possibly go wrong?” pull this story out and read it. Then take some Duct tape with you. I don’t know why, but they say it fixes everything.
• If your spouse thinks you dragged them out into the middle of nowhere on another hair-brained attempt at family togetherness, tell them they’re absolutely right. (This is for shock value) Then before they have a chance to lecture you about how you can’t follow a map to the floor and how you almost have the brains God gave dirt, hand them a $50 and say “go tell someone at Dillard’s.” This will keep them quiet. Then tell them that you’ll give them another $50 if they keep the kids happy.
• Take a lot of Band-aids. They don’t work worth beans, but the kids don’t know that. And if Band-aids don’t work, tell them that suffering builds character.
• Most of all, remember to enjoy the journey. The destination is important, but how you get there makes all the difference. Life is like that you know. It seems like it’s all uphill and just when you think your making progress someone else zooms by, leaving you in the dust. You get tired, scratched up, lost, your kids whine, and sometimes there’s even a Llama or two. But as a very wise person once said, “You never know when your making a memory” so have a little more fun with life. You’ll be happier in the end.
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