Have Presents Will Travel

Happy Bonehead Holidays!

It's almost here. Christmas. What a wonderful time of year! In true Johnson style we didn't send out any Christmas cards this year, so if you didn't get one don't feel rejected. In fact, most of the people that read this didn't send us one either so don't feel guilty. :)

Life at the Bonehead Ranch is still as exciting as ever. School is out and the kids have taken a page from the union thugs and gone on strike, refusing to do work. Maybe we'll do the same thing and when they wonder where dinner is, we'll say that we're on strike. That should end negotiations quite amiably.

This year we're traveling to Neisha's parents' house for Christmas, which requires us to take our presents so the kid have something to open while there. Ok, let's do a little bit-o-math here:

2 Parents + 4 children + 4 or 5 presents each + luggage for 5 days + one minivan = interesting. Now I'm not the world's greatest packing expert but I'm fairly adept at making things work and I'm thinking to myself "Self, why?" "How?" "Who am I trying to kid?" We don't even have one of those roof rack containers! After mulling it over for a week, I've decided to first place the children in their seats and hook up the catheters. Second, put in the luggage. 3rd, pack the presents. In the event we actually had to stop, the children would have to be level 4 yoga masters to be able to get out. We'll try to take some pix of the event and post them here.

The other little bit of news is the Christmas village. It took me longer than expected to make it but here are a few shots. Merry Christmas everyone!

Love, Team Johnson

Holding on to the Magic

Greetings fellow Boneheads! It is c-c-c-cold here! And to make things worse we don't even get the privilege of having any snow! I mean, at least if we're going to suffer we should at least be able to throw snowballs at people! Life is good. In the kid department, Marcus, aka "Spiderman" or "Whiney-2000" has reached new heights in both his ability to perform death-defying feats of sheer stupidity and his ability to mimic the most annoying sound on earth. Those of you who know this precocious 4 year old know that it is not unheard of to find him on top of things. Things like the van, my car, the bookshelf, sinks, etc. Well he recently learned how to #1 do backflips and #2 do front flips onto our bed. Wait for it... from the floor. How exactly does a child manage to do a front flip onto a bed that is as tall as he is? I haven't the foggiest. I decided to try the experiment out myself and went out to our 6ft tall wall, took a good run at it and tried to do a front flip over it. It's not as easy as it looks, ladies and gentlemen. He also has learned long, drawn out whining is not as effective as the car alarm approach. That's where he wants mom and starts shouting, "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" over and over again like a car horn going off. He also occasionally yells, "What the crap!" which is a post for another day.

The title of today's edition is on a more sentimental note though, and one I've been putting off writing. As you all know, Christmas time is a time of magic. Freshly fallen snow, catching snowflakes on your tongue, the sound of sleigh bells, Hymns being sung, all create "the Most Wonderful Time of the Year". But as children grow older, the magic slowly fades. Last year at this time 3 of our 4 boys were absolutely convinced that Santa came every year and that elves were sneaking around our Christmas tree checking on presents and throwing elf dust around for the kids to find. The belief of a child is so wonderful. It is like the warmth of a fire after you've been outside in the snow. It both fills and surrounds you. Well, this past year 2 more of our boys asked the big question about Santa and we told them. They are not as excited about Christmas as they were last year. At least not for the same reasons. So we are down to one and even though I know the real reason we celebrate Christmas, I find myself desperately holding onto that magic in him. We watch Rudolph and I answer his questions every day about how "far Christmas is", and when we sit like statues by the tree watching for elves, sometimes I almost think I can see one too.

The Photo Edition

Hallow Boneheads!

Due to the many pictures I'm posting this will be a pretty short post. I'll try to give a bit-o-commentary as we go.

Okay! First things first, Halloween. Anyone who knows us knows that Halloween is our favorite holiday, enough so that we're willing to drive 7 hours to be with family when it happens. Granted, Page sucks when it comes to Halloween (the city actually ENDS Halloween at 6pm) so we just leave and go have fun elsewhere. This year we went to Hee Haw farms and no, I didn't see any joke-telling banjo players. Speaking of Hee Haw though,What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?

A documentary.

What do they call it in Kentucky?

Life Styles of the Rich & Famous.

Had to throw those in there. Anyway, here are some pix of the kids who ran around a small zoo terrorizing chickens and ducks. They actually caught some and Alex put his captive to sleep!





Next we spent Halloween rigging up a spook alley in my sister's back yard. It was pretty amazing but unfortunately I don't have any pix of it. I do have a photo of the coffin in which Dracula would lie in wait, preying on unsuspecting trick or treaters. The kids would have to knock on the coffin lid and Dracula (aka Alex) would say, "Who dares wake me from my slumber!" and then kids got to dig around in the coffin for goodies. What's different about THIS Dracula is that when he arose from his eternal slumber he was often spotted eating a PBJ sandwich and had to curse people between mouthfuls.

Here are the kids:





And last but not least, the village. It's my hobby, and I had some fun this year creating a landscape display for it. Enjoy!

The Non-DNA Sports Gene

Great Galloping Hornytoads, it's nearly October! And at the Bonehead ranch that means we'd better decorate for Halloween! It's true my family endures a lot of curious questions about my sanity around this time of year but oh well, you only live life once. And speaking of living life once, I used to want to only eat natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Burger King for all!

Well, to get right to the point of today's edition, I have four boys who love soccer. They love flag football. They love baseball. They love competition of any kind. And not only that, but they are all really good at them. Right now soccer is going on and Josh Parker and Alex are all top players on their teams. Saturday was the Northern Arizona Middle School Soccer Tournament and Josh's team took 3rd overall. Now the neat thing about that is that In game 2 Josh scored 2 goals to end the game at a tie and in the 3rd game scored the only goal of the game to win for us. He got a plaque. Parker and Alex are right on his tail in their leagues. Parker is becoming a very aggressive goalie and Alex a solid half-back.
How did they learn this? People say it is in the genes. Well if that's true than I'd better do my family history because it ain't from me that's for sure! Allow me to explain. My earliest sporty memories are of elementary school "Red Rover" or "Kick Ball" teams and how much people fought over me..
"You take him!"
"No way, you take him!"
"We don't want him so you get him!"
"We got stuck with him last time!"
"So? Take him again!"
There actually was one game where I was always chosen first; Smear the Queer. This is a game where you give one guy a football and tell him to run and then the other 49 guys run after him and try to tackle the bejeezus out of him. It was so great to be in demand back then. Needless to say that did a lot for my desire to play public sports and so I never did.
So where did my kids get it? Could it be that there is a gene somewhere in my DNA that would explain my kids' talents? Nope. I just asked Neisha if she was sporty growing up and she said, "Yep, I was always playing sports. In fact at recess I never played with the girls. I was always playing soccer and football with the boys." Dang, I was hoping there.
I'll tell you though, there's nothing quite so great as witnessing your son do something great and seeing him being congratulated by his teammates.

And maybe this is a bit on the warm and fuzzy side, but in the game of life your teammates are your family and when one of your kids makes a great play don't forget to congratulate them.

Love the Johnsons

Through the Eyes of a Child

Hello and welcome to September!!!
For all you boneheads across what is left of our free country we are enjoying soccer season. 4 boys, 3 teams, 2 parents, 1 bottle of Alieve. That about sums it up. Actually they are all doing great and are star players on their teams! (insert proud dad look here). Of course, as dad is out there sweating and coaching them on and working with them, the first thing they do when they see you and their mother at the game is to say "Hi Mom!" Oh well.

The purpose of this entry is to bring attention to a rare moment in parenting; catching a glimpse of life through your child's eyes. Now sometimes you have a child like Marcus who likes to tell you EVERYTHING on his mind over and over again. All day. This gets annoying. And then he tells you everything that SHOULD BE on your mind. Stuff like sharing your candy, giving him money, giving him your gum, buying him toys, etc. And then there is Josh. Josh is entering that gauntlet of life from which no boy returns. He has become somewhat secretive and quiet. He broods. But he doesn't say a whole lot about what his little pre-pubescent mind is thinking. Well stop the press! I happened to be on the computer today and ran across this little gem. After reading it though I wonder if I need to laugh and tell him what a great writer he is, or put him in his room. :) Read on...


How to torture your little brothers


Have you ever felt angry or annoyed? Well, here’s the answer to your problem: torture your brothers! This is a fail-safe way to get you back in shape. There are several ways to torture your little brothers. Today I will explain three of them.

The first method is to do something to your brothers (like poke them). If they tell you to stop after a while, then you’re doing well. After they say, “stop” you keep doing it until they either go tell your parents or until you think you’ve done enough. If they tell your parents and you get sent to your room, start doing it again when you come out. Keep doing this till they start crying. Then you start laughing like you think it’s really funny. When they run off crying your work is done.

Another way is to take their stuff and then show it to them. When they say “give it back its mine” run around for a while then throw it out the front door. Keep doing this until you feel better or you get sent to your room 3 times. After that stop or else risk big punishment. This technique is something I’ve used many times. It works very well.

The last way to torture them is to call them a name. If one of your brothers has a name they hate people to call them start calling them that name. When they start crying, stop. When your parents ask you if you called them that name, you say yes. If you do that they will get very mad or frustrated. On the way to your room, call them the name one more time for effect.

These methods are not advisable unless you’re really angry or annoyed that day. Even then be cautious because you might get into bigger trouble than you thought. This essay was written from experience. All of the methods are genuine and do work. Happy Torturing.

What else can I say? Happy torturing!