Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Let the Blind Receive Their Sight!

Time to update the ol' family Blog and what an update we have! But first, the Obama minute:

Obama was recently reported to have taken his wife out on a "date night". Excellent. It is important to take time off from the overwhelming responsibility of telling the world what a horrible country we live in. The date was a raging success. Michelle Obama said it was "a wonderful evening". Well, for $22,000.00 it better be a wonderful evening! So my question is, was it the dinner and a movie that made it wonderful or the fact that the $22,000.00 was tax payer money? On a side note, don't you think that for 22K you might be able to do something more creative than dinner and a show?

Back to the update...The boys all took first place in their division for baseball and are proud to have their trophies. It seems they are quite talented in many sports. Including the time-honored, traditional Johnson sport of--Dad Pounding. Yes, it's been happening for years. I'm sure I'm not the only dad whose neck and back have been permanently disfigured by their sons. My pain story starts way back with Josh as a strapping young 4 year old Jump Bonk Jedi whose favorite game was "Kill the Dad Dragon". This progressed through the stages of Dad Whacking, Ninja Neck Jumping, and finally Get the Evil Geezer where I pretty much lay on the floor and pretend to be dead in the hopes that they'll lose interest and just go away. Alex and I were wrestling yesterday (I got a coupon from him on Father's Day to do this), and I had him in a good tickle hold. At this point he yelled, "Dad stop it! I'm gonna pee!" At this point I don't know if he's faking it or really serious so I let him up and off he goes to my bathroom. This is where it gets funny. This is what I hear:
[toilet flush] "Dang it! I wasted it!" Alex appears looking frustrated.
"Wasted what?" I ask.
"My special power" replies Alex. Ok. He was just in the bathroom. He did something bathroomy in there and now he's upset that he wasted his "special power". I'm totally torn between morbid curiosity and TMI.
"Uh, what 'special power' are ya referring to there Alex?" - Curiosity won out.
"My toot!" Alex says with all the exasperation he can muster. "I was saving that!"

The other big of news concerns my oldest son, Blind Boy Casey. Neisha took him into the eye doctor. After enlarging the letters to roughly the size of a car, Josh proudly announced, "It's a black thing!" Needless to say he failed the eye exam and needs glasses. So we got some contacts. After he put them in it was like he was seeing for the first time. "Mom, this is totally cool! I can read the medical labels on the files!" "Wow! Mom, I can read that sign! I didn't even know those words existed!" "Hey Mom, look at the playground! I can actually see stuff. Before it was just like colorful blobs!" Now before you call us bad parents for not noticing this, there wasn't anything to notice. Josh told us he's been seeing that badly for years but thought he'd just grow out of it. It never affected his schooling either. Oh well. He's loving life now and is currently sitting outside enjoying clouds. Life is good.

So until next time, enjoy sight. And next time you pull up to the drive-through bank window, ask them why they have braille in the drive up stall.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Lessons learned from Dad: Hammer Toe

A June welcome to everyone across the until recently fruited plains! I recently went to pick up my government cheese but couldn't fit it in my government car. Oh well. I did find a use for the car, though. I attached a spinning blade to the bottom of it and can use it to mow my lawn now! Talk about green!

Anyway, life with Team Johnson is great guns as usual. We are all slaving away in the backyard to make it habitable and have decided that weeds look a lot like grass. :) But enough banter! On with today's title:

This is one of my childrens favorite stories to hear. It usually starts out like this: "Dad tell us about the time you whacked yourself on the foot with a hammer on purpose!"
"Well", I say, "it wasn't really my fault." This is one I those stories where I wish there was actually a point or a profound lesson to be learned but no. The lesson is pretty much don't do stupid stuff. And that lesson glares at me more and more every time the kids make me tell the story. As a young child I went to the doctor to have a surgery done on my big toe and the doctor shot my foot up with Novacaine (not to be confused with Michaelcaine). I couldn't feel a thing. It was pretty cool. To a 10 year old, having a numb toe is like a whole new world. Well when I got home I accidentally kicked the door with said toe and didn't feel a thing! Way cool! No pain!

Now, as a young child I began to wonder about this new phenomenon. "I wonder if it would hurt if I..." and that ultimately was my downfall. By now you have all probably come to the conclusion that I actually hit myself on the toe with a hammer. I've never understood what makes a kid think this way, how they can go from a rational thought like "Hey this cape makes me look like Superman" to "I'll bet I can jump off the roof and fly!" but it happens. And no I didn't jump off the roof! It was the trampoline and it was really windy. So there. Kids just have a way of taking a great thing like imagination and then doing it. How else could I explain my children's behavior? What else but imagination would make my oldest son create rain by using cat litter? What else but imagination would make a child decide while in the tub to bite his younger brother and then blame it on a rubber shark?

Needless to say after whacking my toe several times and experiencing the awesome power of no pain I went on with my day. Until the novacaine wore off. Owie! Well, stay tuned for more fun with Lessons Learned from Dad!