Saturday, September 3, 2011

Disappearing Stuff and the Secret Ways of Teenage Girls

Recently, I read about the experience of one of my wife’s cousins who postulated that when you have children, in order to be able to have at least one pair of scissors in the drawer when you need them, you would need to buy more than 18 pairs of scissors. That’s an interesting theory. It follows right in line with another theory I posted here a couple of years ago: The Law of Diminishing Utensils.

In order to understand how this law works, let me explain first Johnson's Law of Excessive Utensil Usage which states: A child will use utensils in direct proportion to the number of utensils owned, multiplied by 5. The Law of Diminishing Utensils further states: The amount of utensils owned will decrease at a rate in direct correlation to the number of children living in the home. We have 4. That means that on any given day, we will lose 13 pieces of utensils.

For example, on that day I had loaded the dishwasher with nearly 20 forks. After they were clean, I put them back into the drawer. All 20 of them (remember that number). A few hours later I wanted a fork, opened the drawer and found but two forks. Just two. I looked in the sink. No forks. I looked in the dishwasher. No forks. I asked my 4 children, "Have you guys used any forks?" This is what they said:
Josh: "Parker used some."
Parker: "No I didn't! You did!"
Josh: "No I didn't Parker, you used one to stab ants."
Parker "That was Alex!"
Alex: "It was not, it was a beetle."
Josh: "Well Parker still used some"
Parker: "Yeah, to eat chicken nuggets"
Marcus: "I like forks! Can I have some skittles?"

This law also applies to food, socks, hidden candy, and money. Basically if you have children everything will disappear along with any knowledge they might have had about where it went.

Speaking of kids and theories, there is another theory out there that suggests that having a dog is more desirable than having a child. What are they thinking!?! I saw a website where someone had listed 45 reasons why having a dog is more desirable than having a child. Among their reasons were:
- They eat less
- Don’t want to wear your clothes
- They don’t mind when you pass gas
- They don’t grab everything in the grocery store

Kids are way better than dogs! People think that kids embarrass you in public. Do you know what dogs do in public? I mean, besides sniff other dogs' butts? They're disgusting! But to reply to the woefully misinformed souls out there who still think that a dog is better than a kid I offer my rebuttal to the argument listed above:

- Dogs eat less? Really? Have they ever tried to feed a 2 year old?
- Dogs don’t wear your clothes because they eat them. (This is probably the reason they eat less dog food).
- Kids also don’t mind if you pass gas. In fact they will join you! (Unless Mom shows up, then its every man for himself).
- They don't grab everything in stores because they are too busy sniffing butts.
And finally...
Dogs eat poop. Argument over, kids win.

I suppose I should get down to business and explain today’s title. As a marriage and family therapist I am continually fascinated by how relationships work, how attraction happens, and how people interact. I am always searching for new insights to help me understand relational dynamics better. Once my Brother-in-Law sent me a book titled, “Capt. Kirks Guide to Women”.
While that gem hasn't stood up under the scrutiny of empirically-based research or the APA, I believe the Space Cowboy was on to something. Recently, however Neisha overheard Josh and Parker discussing the latest research on garnering the affections of women. What follows is top secret and should only be used with great caution!

They started out by talking about how girls are too emotional and they cry a lot. Then Josh said that could actually be to your advantage. This is pretty much how it went:
Josh: "If you go up to a girl who is sad and ask her what is wrong and talk to her she likes it. She may even give you a hug if you help her to feel better."
Parker was very interested in this tidbit of knowledge. “Really! What do you say?”
Josh: “Yep. You just say stuff to make them feel better.”
Parker: “Will she give you a kiss on the cheek?”
Josh: ”Sometimes.”
Parker: "Sweet!"

I can't wait to hear how that one pans out. Sheesh. Well, in the interest of time that's all the news that's fit to print so until next time hide the forks!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Father's Day Edition

Father's Day, belt lore, and why women wear high heels-

Today is Father's Day. What a day. Maybe for some dads it isn't a big deal. But at my house it's a national holiday! My wonderful boys have been saving up money for weeks in order to get me what they called "the perfect gift". I was intrigued. Even Marcus, my precocious 5 year old has been seen scavenging the couch cushions for pennies, nickels, and dimes. My waiting has finally paid off! Today after church the boys brought in a bunch of presents and in the middle of them sat a huge one. The big one. The present that they'd been saving weeks for. The present that was so big it towered over all the other presents. The big kahuna. And there they all were, pointing to it with big grins on their faces. I never would have guessed, but ladies and gentlemen I am now the proud owner of a giant jar of cheese balls. It's huge! There has to be 9,000,000 cheese balls in there! I could make a garland out of them! Needless to say I was totally excited. Among my other cool gifts were matching hot wheels cars, 3 secret boxes, some nifty markers and pens, a birdhouse (built by Alex), an EFY DVD from Josh and. . .wait for it. . .a trebuchet. Alex built one at scout day camp. I discovered that the trebuchet can launch a cheese ball about 20 ft. So later we all went outside and I launched cheeseballs at them while they jumped on the trampoline. Life is good. Neish got me a way cool (and desperately needed) grill cover. Our grill takes a beating in the Arizona heat and she found the perfect one.

In other news Josh just back from EFY. he hasn't stopped talking about it yet. He spent a week with 700 other 14-18 year olds. He made a lot of new friends, met a lot of girls, and came home a better person. He even bore his testimony in front of all of them! It's amazing what a camp like that does for a teen. I see teens all the time who do nothing but play video games, have no goals, no dreams, and are not even planning on graduating from high school. What a contrast to see so many youth, heads held high, knowing who they are, knowing where they are headed in life. Very inspiring.

And now for the tidbits...
In Marcus news, I watched him learn the art of putting on a belt. He kept trying to stick it through backwards or kept trying to find the loop in the back. This wouldn't have been so funny except he kept turning around in circles like a dog. Finally dad came to the rescue. When I showed him where to start he chuckled and said, "oh I never knew."

Alex and Marcus have become entrpenures by way of the ever popular "Home Store" which is basically a table filled with um, stuff. Usually it's toys that the kids don't want anymore or something they made out of macaroni. But these two have taken Home Store-ing to a new level: they are selling all the stuff they had to pick up around the house! See, they get charged for stuff they leave laying around so I guess they figured that they would charge us for it before we had a chance to charge them! Not bad business I think.

And finally, a lesson in why women wear high heels-
We recently went to a concert and there was a bassist who looked like a boy and I thought he was a boy until I saw she was wearing high heels. I didn't think much of it after that. Well a few minutes later Alex leans over and whispers, "That guy is wearing high heels!" I just smiled knowing at least we were on the same page. A few minutes later I leaned over to him and asked why he thought that guy was wearing high heels. Without losing a beat he pointed to the bass and replied, "So he can reach the top of that thing."

I guess that's all the news that's fit to print so until next time, forget the ladder and get yourself some pumps.

The Johnsons