Sunday, March 30, 2008

Dad Wisdom and Boogers

Shoot, with a title like that I can't go wrong! I have come to the conclusion that disgusting as they may be, boogers attract an awful lot of attention. I suppose you can make them sound less gross by calling them "bogeys" like some little wizard children, or you could make the whole matter worse by calling them "nose poops" like bad little wizard children. Either way, they're here to stay and tonight at the Johnson household is no exception.
Enter Marcus, our extremely-independent-in-an-obnoxious-sort-of-way
2 year old. We were resting after a great game of tickle monster, in which mom or dad chase down screaming children, tickle them, then throw them in jail. Anyway, Marcus sticks his finger in his nose, pulls out a bogey and offers it to me. "No thanks" I say, "I don't want it." So without another word he put it back into his nose. Well you know what they say; "One in the nose is worth two on the floor". Or something like that.
The other bit of news comes from a couple conversations I've had with my kids in the past. As all parents know, kids ask a lot of questions. And more often than not, the answer is far more complicated than we'd care to discuss. It is this quandry that gives men the inspiration to fabricate some of the greatest answers of all time, or as I like to put it: Dad Wisdom. I have two that I will share with you and invite you to send me some of your best wisdom too. The first comes out of a conversation I had with Alex a couple of years ago when he asked the question: "Why don't people just bury dead people in their backyards?" Well the answer would have been quite complicated. How do you explain Cemetary's and respect, and a quiet place of honor and reflection and all that mimble wimble? So I said "Because it would be too hard to put in a sprinkler system with all those dead people in the way." Perfect sense. The other happened with Parker and to be honest I don't even remember saying it but the fact that he did makes it even better. He reminded me that once upon a time he'd asked me how I got nose hair. I didn't remember. "And then", he said "you said that one time you sneaked up to a cow and sniffed really hard and the hair came off the cow and got stuck there." Wow. I don't remember saying that but I sure hope I did. That's a great one!
That's about it from the desk here at Bonehead Central so until next time, be wise.


T.O.F.U. There have been many things in this world which are unexplainable despite our best attempts to do so. Bigfoot, for example has remained a complete mystery even though you can buy real Bigfoot prints on ebay or Bigfoot hair at “Jenkins’ Genuine Mysterious Artifacts and Fish Bait Shop.” Or there is the unexplainable mystery of why people call a car with stuff being transported in it a “shipment” when a ship with stuff being transported in it is called “cargo”.

Be that as it may, there is another yet unexplainable phenomenon in our society which has defied expert’s best attempts to classify it as belonging anywhere on the table of the elements. I’m referring of course to tofu. I have done my own research on the stuff and while not complete should give you enough information to go on. First, tofu is made of a secret governmental test material originally designed to be an adhesive/accelerator for C4 explosives. In fact, in some of the early episodes of “The A-Team” you can catch glimpses of Mr. T eating some of the explosives. However, through lack of funding tofu became basically an edible form of playdoh. Second, tofu comes in a variety of shapes, all of which look curiously like they were made using playdoh tools. Third, it tastes a lot like playdoh. (It is a little known fact that the Playdoh company actually wanted to call their product ‘Doh-fu’). Fourth, it’s used as a substitute for most meats, sweets, fish, and spackle and the winner the National Vegan “Edible Non-Animal Food of the Year” award, edging out wheat grass and olive loaf by a mere six votes!

As I stated before, tofu comes in a variety of shapes and flavors, but there is one tofu creation which is just plain wrong: Tofurkey. Sick, sick, sick. I was introduced to this food sensation by a coworker who is Vegan. This is not to be confused with Vulcan, although the similarities are quite astounding. So what is it? You’re not going to believe this. It is basically spice injected tofu that has been molded to resemble a turkey; legs, gizzard and all. It’s even color coded so you can have your preference of light tofurkey, I mean moldable goo, or dark moldable goo. Doesn’t that sound swell? And for dessert you can have tofumpkin pie! Same great goo, different shape! She wants me to try some tofookies next week.
Well that’s about it from the desk here at Bonehead Central so until next time don’t sneeze when you eat tofu. It’s not pretty.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Home Wasn't Built in a Day

Or 4 months for that matter. Greetings to all perusers of the Bonehead News! Spring time is definitely here as we head into nearly seventy degree weather. Except for those couple of days where it snowed. Darn global warming!

Anyway things at the dirt farm are blowing along just fine. Marcus keeps sneaking out of his room at night to go have sleepovers with various brothers and insists on brushing my teeth in the morning. He even tells me, "Fronts" and "Bite" and if I do what he says he'll say, "Good Dad!" The only problem is, when we're done I look like I tried to brush my teeth during a serious earthquake.

Parker took 3rd place in the district pinewood derby. This was his first time doing a car and yes, he did most of it. I cut out the shape but he did the rest. He's very proud. He even got a trophy! The dads who took first and second should be so proud!

Alexander the Great is learning lots in school and earned the title "Party in a can" from me, and boy has he earned it. Like at 11pm when I go in his room to check on him and find Sir Swaree playing games on my cell phone complete with food tray and dinosaurs. He just started baseball and is doing great, exept he keeps trying to tag people out with his back end. Not only does it not work, it's extremely funny to watch.

Josh has officially stolen the gamer's crown from me by soundly beating me at every game that I own. But I guess that's ok because I'm still taller.

And now to explain the title of todays edition. You know, several people have told me that building a home always take longer and cost more than you're prepared for. I would like to add my voice to this and proclaim that building a home is downright traumatic! During the process we've adopted a slogan which seems to fit the experience nicely: (to be said your best NY accent) "that's gonna cost ya". Were almost afraid to answer the phone anymore. It has been a very exciting process and I will be posting pics real soon. The biggest setback was actually getting the house ONTO the foundation. That is a story in and of itself, so I'll save it for later.

That's all the news from the desk here at Bonehead Central so until next time, buy a tent. It's cheaper.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


As I looked up the definition to “Bonehead” I was struck by the fact that the word showed up in 1909. I’ve done a fair amount of family ancestry and I’ve never found anyone in my line that knew Webster. Guess I’ll have to check into my wife’s line. In any case, coming up with a title for this book took some thinking. And as you can see, it didn’t take very much.
The Bonehead News started out in 1999 as a family newsletter, outlining life in the great state of New Hampshire. From there it just sort of morphed into a compilation of weirdness that chronicles the life of two parents raising four aliens and trying to pretend that we are normal when we go out to eat.
Seriously, being a parent has been the greatest joy of my life. It has been wisely said that the most important work we will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes, and that has proven to be true over and over again. It is especially true when your children discover where mommy hides her lipstick and they paint pictures for you on the walls and on the baby, who, after being assailed by “Mocha Freeze” and “Raisin Berry” looks like some sort of freaky circus leprechaun. I’m not exactly sure that’s what President Lee meant but hey; when you’re right you’re right.
Being a parent is hard work. When my wife and I got married in 1995 we had no idea how much work went in to being a parent, nor did we know the joy that children could bring to our lives. I can honestly say that my greatest happiness has come from hearing the word “Dad”. Whether it’s “Dad will you read me a story?” or “Dad do you want to play a game with me” or “Dad do you want to go to the store and get candy?” I never tire of hearing that word. I know there will come a time when my kids will be embarrassed to admit that they’re related to me so I want to make sure that I never turn down an opportunity to be with them while they are young. That’s not to say that I don’t feel other things when I hear the word “Dad”. For instance, when I hear “Dad, Marcus (the baby) is throwing cat litter again”, I feel panicked and when I hear “Dad remember that nice cabinet that you built for mom?” I feel a sudden spike of father angst. Sometimes my kids play jokes on me, just to see what I’ll do. They think its great fun. Like the time they came running around the side of the house yelling to me that someone had thrown a baseball at our van and cracked the windshield. They watched me take off running full tilt toward the front of the house with absolute glee. Once I saw the fake baseball stuck to the windshield I knew I’d been shanghaied and my 5 year old said, “Wow Dad, you run really fast.” That day I felt angry. And I felt that someday revenge would be mine… (Insert evil laugh here)
What follows is not a story, nor is it book of sagely advice from a wizened father unless you’d consider “Lessons I’ve learned from scary movies” or “Feeding your baby is like chasing a greased pig” sagely. No, It is simply a collection of tales about my unusual family and the importance of having fun with life.