Monday, February 9, 2009

The Return of Dr. Vox!

You know, being a dad is tough work. There are lots of things you have to be willing to endure. Barf, toys that trip you in the middle of the night, bits of Dorito chips in your bed, tools that suddenly go missing, finding the cat's hair inside your electric razor, stuff like that. There is one thing though that I'll bet not many of you dads out there have had to endure: Dr. Vox. Let me introduce you: Dr. Vox was invented by my son Parker a couple years ago. Dr. Vox is part mad scientist and part door-to-door salesman. He was introduced in 2007 and a visit to Dr. Vox went something like this:

(Scene: Missionaries over for dinner.)
Dr Vox: You have a problem you need to see Dr.Vox! (the mere fact that he refers to himself in the 3rd person is disturbing enough)
Missionary: But there’s nothing wrong with me.
DV: Yeah, there is, your foot hurts.
M: Ok. You’re right, it has been hurting a bit.
DV: Prepare the operating room!

There is something you all need to know about now. Dr. Vox has two sadistic henchmen, uh, I mean nurses who are ready to inflict cures upon anyone Dr. Vox deems worthy. Suddenly Dr. Vox yelled that the patient has a foot problem and that he needs to be put to sleep for the operation.

DV: Go get the sleep gun!
Henchman: I’ll get two!

The henchmen return a moment later with a semi-automatic anesthesia gun (which shoots 10 consecutive sleeping darts) and an anesthesia bazooka. The missionary begins to say (while on the floor) that he doesn’t need to go to sleep, that’s it’s just an ache. Dr. Vox then told him to stop being a wimp and stood on top of him while the nurses whapped in the head with approximately enough anesthesia to put down a small herd of elephants.

DV: Ok, guys get the saws!

What followed was not pretty. But in his defense, I will say that Dr. Vox, in an attempt to ease the pain of having his foot cut off, cut off his leg first so that he wouldn’t feel his foot being cut off. God bless him.

That was then. I told you that story in order to tell you this one.
Vox is back. We thought that a strong regimen of medications and calming music might cure him. We thought wrong. It all started with me wrestling the boys on the floor. When they won't get off I pull on their toes. It drives them nuts and so they will get off. So there I was pulling on Parker's toes when suddenly Parker turned into Dr. Vox and yelled, "Josh quick! Something's wrong with Dad's head! Get the saw!" The sheer insanity of that statement made me laugh out loud. I couldn't stop thinking, "Gosh that's bit over the top" but oh well. Drastic measures and all.

Well the henchman nurse brought out a 4 ft. long sword which Vox instantly sawed my head off with. Then he yelled for the nurse to grab some nails and a hammer in order to keep the rest of me on the table. Of course I start laughing again and couldn't resist the running violin gag:

Me: Doctor, tell me! Will I ever play the violin again!?
Vox: Well I don't know, your head's off and so you shouldn't even be able to talk! He yelled the last part just to be sure I heard. In hindsight his response is almost as funny as the original punchline. After removing my brain with tweezers and fixing it, he told me to lay still while he nailed my head back on. He was almost done when he exclaimed, "Oh crap!"
Nurse/henchman: What Dr. Vox?
Vox: We forgot the pain killer!
Nurse/henchman: I'll go get it!
Vox: I'm going to have to cut your head off again. we forgot to put in the pain killer. (Regardless of what they tell you in med school, if you screw up an operation just start over. That's best.)

The pain killer turned out to be a tranc bazooka and Vox had the 'nurses'tie my arms and legs to the table. My theory? If you have to tie your patients to the bed in order to give them pain meds, the meds probably aren't that great. That's just a hunch though. Once the pain meds were in place they went ahead and nailed my head back on and as a special service he painted the nails with a nice skin color so they'd match my neck. How nice.

Stay tuned for lessons we learned from Dad being dumb!

Friday, February 6, 2009

And That's the Tooth!

Greetings everyone! Okay, enough silly banter it's on to business...

I have a confession to make: It's tough being a tooth fairy! Who made up the legend of the tooth fairy anyway? And what does said fairy do with all the teeth? Does she wear them? Does she use them to pave her fairy driveway? Or are they really what's inside maracas? Regardless, it's kind of scary to think about someone who has an obsession with human teeth. Yecch. Yet that's what kind of Goofiness we parents inflict onour kids.
"Goodnight Alex, and remember, the tooth fairy is going sneak into your room tonight and steal your human teeth... Sleep tight."
Anyway I digress. I was saying that it's tough being the tooth fairy. The Tooth Fairy that visits the Johnson home must be kind of old because frequently she forgets to come for a few days. Allow me to illucidate Alex lost a tooth on Thursday and the TF only just managed to show up Saturday night. Every parent who is trying to perpetuate the lie by giving their kid money for teeth so that their kid can use the money to buy more candy and lose more teeth hates the realization that they forgot to do it. So Alex asked both of us many times (over the three days) why the TF didn't come. Here are some of our favorites:
• Well the TF just likes her teeth aged a bit buddy.
• The flu has been going around, maybe she has a sore throat.
• You know Alex the TF has been around a Long time, maybe she kind of forgetful.
• The TF doesn't like Your teeth. They smell funny (just kidding!)
• Maybe she only comes on Saturday night?
* Have you checked inside the cat's mouth?

You get the picture. We're not very good tooth fairies.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Ramblings, Musings, and Weird Stuff

Greetings to all you visitors across the fruited plains! (Fruity plains if you're in San Francisco).

Gosh where to start...The kids are running around the house doing "tidy army," which is a cleverly disguised game in which the kids get to put on rollerblades and zip around the house putting stuff away. This is a good time to wear shoes and stay out of the way. We've also managed to inherit another cat. She was rescued from the dump and she's great. Her name is Gracie. And she's already chasing Jack around the house.

In Alex news, the weirdo with a penchant for strangeness has once again proved beyond all doubt that he needs to stop watching Monty Python. Let me explain. Each night Neisha or I take turns reading the scriptures with him. Neish or I will read a few verses and then he gets to. Well, Alex has decided that it is his life's goal to never read the scriptures in a normal voice. The other night he decided it was Chinese day and when he read he pronounced all the 'L's as 'R's. So we read about the Rord and Arma and I nearly started crying with laughter when he belted out in his biggest 7 year old Chinese voice, "Behord Thus sayeth the Rord God of Israer!" We've also enjoyed opera style where he sings the verses like a princess, slo-mo style, and the always popular Power Ranger style in which every few words are emphasized with a genuine Power Ranger pose.

In Parker's corner we find a rat named Mack who has really captured his heart. A rat is not something we usually equate with affection but Mack is not an ordinary rat. He rides on Parker's shoulder and really enjoys burrowing under his shirt until just his eyes and nose poke out. Anyway, Parker really loves him. Recently we told him that he had to put Mack back in his cage and go to bed. A few minutes later Neish went in to sing him a song and found Parker hiding under his covers just sobbing uncontrollably. She sat down next to him and after several minutes was able to get him to stop crying and settle down. She asked what had made him so sad. "Well," he said, "I put Mack back in his cage and when I shut the door he just put his down and walked back into his little house like he was really sad that I did that to him." Precious.

Marcus is still on stupid patrol and manages to hear from anywhere in the house when someone says that "S" word. He also had aquired the incredible talent of climibing up the shelves in the pantry to eat chips. 7 feet up the shelves. At age 3. Going to need to keep a leash on that one.

And of course Josh keeps busy with soccer, home schooling, trumpet, piano, video games, and listening to every adventure book known to man on his ipod.

Well, the superbowl is almost on, I don't care, and we're having steaks tonight!