Friday, September 26, 2008

Horror Survival Tips and Musical Marcus

Now that you've all survived the first installment of our tribute to the greatest holiday ever, I'd like to present for your spine-tingling pleasure a list of tips I've accumulated over the years of watching quality entertainment which, I am sure will help you survive any number of catastrophes including zombie invasions, cataclysmic meteor collisions, giant spiders (or ants, scorpions, roaches or women), hostile alien takeovers, having your brain harvested by a mad scientist or having the IRS audit your tax returns. But first, a little news...

Marcus is a real favorite around the house. He can always be found helping someone do something, or else climbing into the cupboards to drink Ovaltine mix. Night time is another story. Usually he just can't be found. It's a very odd thing to put your son in bed and then check on him later only to find that he's disappeared. This happens several times a week. Keeping in the spirit of Halloween it's possible he's being occasionally abducted by aliens or perhaps his bed happens to sit on a couple of intersecting ley lines and he gets transported to other parts of the house. Either way, we have to go looking for him and usually find that he has magically reappeared in someone else's bed. Occasionally we find him on the couch. Or in our bed. Or in the cupboard drinking Ovaltine mix. He's sort of like musical chairs except the chair keeps moving to a new location. Always an adventure, that one.

Now on to the heart of the post. You all know that many, many innocent people have met their demise in scary movies. What you may not know is that had those people been in possession of my little suvival guide, they might have survived to scream another scream. So without further delay here are my Horror Survival Tips. Don't be caught dead without them.

1. If you live near a field move away. 9 out of 10 alien abductions/invasions/crop circles occur in them. It might also be helpful to have a dog. Be warned however that your dog will either be eaten or vaporized. Best to get a cheap dog.

2. Never inspect a fallen meteor site. Especially if a gooey substance is oozing out of it. And really especially if that gooey substance eats your girlfriend. If you are trying to get your girlfriend eaten by a gooey substance, inspecting a fallen meteor site is not a good option because it will most likely eat you as well. And your dog.

3. Avoid fog at all costs. It may turn you inside out. It was also responsible for nearly 6000 automobile related accidents between 1981-1989 according to the NTSB. Also, 38% of motorcycle related fatalities are caused by fogging eyewear. Fog. The new evil.

4. Aliens always speak monotone english. Therefore to survive an alien invasion you should practice speaking in monotone using as little facial expression and emotion as possible. If you're having trouble with this, work with a tax accountant or CPA. *Note: Aliens try to "fit in" as much as possible before destroying earth and therefore are most likely to BE a tax accountant or CPA. If you are worried that you are talking to an alien, or that your friend, spouse, or mother-in-law might be an alien, look at their ears. They always forget to disguise them. Those wacky aliens.

5. Farmers are usually the first people to die. Right after their dogs. Sadly this is true. Farmers are a curious breed of homo-sapien. They love guns and dogs, and usually have a grudge against would be trespassers. This is a bad combo when staring into the face of a huge insect. If you are a farmer and your dog starts barking wildly only to suddenly yelp and then remain eerily silent. Send out another dog. Just to check. If it happens again, leave.

6. Atomic energy makes things grow really big. The Amazing Collossal Man and the Attack of the 50ft Woman are not fictional. They used to be a happily married couple on holiday until they went to inspect a fallen meteor site and decided to walk through the green cloud of fog and touch the oozing gooey substance. Sigh.

7. If you are using atomic energy to grow insects as a scientist, inevitably you will get into a fight with a collegue and break the glass windows, behind which lay the atomic energy injected insects. These insects will get very big and eat cattle. If, as a farmer you take your gun and go to find out why your cattle suddenly stopped mooing and discover a pile of bones covered with webbing, please don't follow the trail of webbing back to a dark cave. It's pretty obvious that it's a big spider. Trust me.

8. Atomically enhanced insects/spiders like cattle even more than they like dogs. But dogs still make a good snack. See note #1

9. Never, EVER poke the dead monster. This is a monsters' favorite trick. They learn it in monster school, usually as a child. The game is called, "Dead Monster" amazingly enough.

10. Women scream bloody murder at the sight of zombies, but are amazingly calm when they find out that their mad scientist husband digs up corpses to create said zombies. Although a common phenomenon, this is not healthy. A ground breaking new book entitled, "Mad Scientists and the Women Who Love Them" is a good place to start for those wishing to find tranquility.

11. Don't imprison your monster behind a door with a small, barred window in it because if you do, you will be choked to death when feeding it dinner. Plexiglass, electric fences, and pictures of Oprah Winfrey are good substitutes for monster imprisonment. Many Mad Scientists now lie 6ft under because they did not heed this simple safety precaution. As an interesting side note, many zombies are actually reanimated Mad Scientists which would explain the natural proclivity toward brains. Perhaps the reason women scream bloody murder at the sight of zombies is because they realize they used to be in love with them. Before they were a zombie.

12. The Army and the Air Force always have just the right invention to deal with aliens. If not, give them 20 minutes. This is a failsafe. When the military is nearby you're always covered. It is a good thing to keep the personal number of a General or two on your cell phone speed dial.

And finally, When someone says to you "You're not afraid of a little egyptian tomb, are ya?" Tell them "Yes" and get the heck out of there. This famous last line ranks right up there with, "I think it's dead. Go poke it to make sure." Please reference #9

That's all I can do. Now it's up to you to survive.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Horror, The Horror!

It's almost time to celebrate the Boneheads' favorite holiday and so to kick off the season I have included some horrifyingly gruesome pictures which are sure to cause many of you to scream in mortal terror, either from the scary thought that your parents dressed like this, or from the spine-tingling realization that you dressed like this and managed to survive.

This picture is how to get your butt kicked at the golf course. The "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block.

The little kid picture is how to get your butt kicked in elementary school. Now that I'm a father, I know why I got my butt kicked in elementary school. I'll bet that kid has his name engraved on that belt. Like I did. Stupid belt. At least the kids knew who they were beating up.

The second picture is how to get your butt kicked in high school. I got my butt kicked in high school because I was still wearing that crap from elementary school. This kid looks like he's pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Our next frightening addition is a picture of how to get your butt kicked in a meeting. If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

What do I say to this next one? It's how to get your butt kicked every day up to and including St. Patricks day. I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles. Ever. Not even if it's "Dress like a 70's leprechaun pimp day."

The next picture is how to get your butt kicked pretty much anywhere. If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like a young Bob Saget relaxing with his "friend" in his new Terry cloth ensemble. What I want to know is who uses coffee cups that match their clothes?

Well, that's about all I can handle for one day. Stay tuned for more strange and frightening goings-on from the desk here at Bonehead Central!