You know, being a dad is tough work. There are lots of things you have to be willing to endure. Barf, toys that trip you in the middle of the night, bits of Dorito chips in your bed, tools that suddenly go missing, finding the cat's hair inside your electric razor, stuff like that. There is one thing though that I'll bet not many of you dads out there have had to endure: Dr. Vox. Let me introduce you: Dr. Vox was invented by my son Parker a couple years ago. Dr. Vox is part mad scientist and part door-to-door salesman. He was introduced in 2007 and a visit to Dr. Vox went something like this:
(Scene: Missionaries over for dinner.)
Dr Vox: You have a problem you need to see Dr.Vox! (the mere fact that he refers to himself in the 3rd person is disturbing enough)
Missionary: But there’s nothing wrong with me.
DV: Yeah, there is, your foot hurts.
M: Ok. You’re right, it has been hurting a bit.
DV: Prepare the operating room!
There is something you all need to know about now. Dr. Vox has two sadistic henchmen, uh, I mean nurses who are ready to inflict cures upon anyone Dr. Vox deems worthy. Suddenly Dr. Vox yelled that the patient has a foot problem and that he needs to be put to sleep for the operation.
DV: Go get the sleep gun!
Henchman: I’ll get two!
The henchmen return a moment later with a semi-automatic anesthesia gun (which shoots 10 consecutive sleeping darts) and an anesthesia bazooka. The missionary begins to say (while on the floor) that he doesn’t need to go to sleep, that’s it’s just an ache. Dr. Vox then told him to stop being a wimp and stood on top of him while the nurses whapped in the head with approximately enough anesthesia to put down a small herd of elephants.
DV: Ok, guys get the saws!
What followed was not pretty. But in his defense, I will say that Dr. Vox, in an attempt to ease the pain of having his foot cut off, cut off his leg first so that he wouldn’t feel his foot being cut off. God bless him.
That was then. I told you that story in order to tell you this one.
Vox is back. We thought that a strong regimen of medications and calming music might cure him. We thought wrong. It all started with me wrestling the boys on the floor. When they won't get off I pull on their toes. It drives them nuts and so they will get off. So there I was pulling on Parker's toes when suddenly Parker turned into Dr. Vox and yelled, "Josh quick! Something's wrong with Dad's head! Get the saw!" The sheer insanity of that statement made me laugh out loud. I couldn't stop thinking, "Gosh that's bit over the top" but oh well. Drastic measures and all.
Well the henchman nurse brought out a 4 ft. long sword which Vox instantly sawed my head off with. Then he yelled for the nurse to grab some nails and a hammer in order to keep the rest of me on the table. Of course I start laughing again and couldn't resist the running violin gag:
Me: Doctor, tell me! Will I ever play the violin again!?
Vox: Well I don't know, your head's off and so you shouldn't even be able to talk! He yelled the last part just to be sure I heard. In hindsight his response is almost as funny as the original punchline. After removing my brain with tweezers and fixing it, he told me to lay still while he nailed my head back on. He was almost done when he exclaimed, "Oh crap!"
Nurse/henchman: What Dr. Vox?
Vox: We forgot the pain killer!
Nurse/henchman: I'll go get it!
Vox: I'm going to have to cut your head off again. we forgot to put in the pain killer. (Regardless of what they tell you in med school, if you screw up an operation just start over. That's best.)
The pain killer turned out to be a tranc bazooka and Vox had the 'nurses'tie my arms and legs to the table. My theory? If you have to tie your patients to the bed in order to give them pain meds, the meds probably aren't that great. That's just a hunch though. Once the pain meds were in place they went ahead and nailed my head back on and as a special service he painted the nails with a nice skin color so they'd match my neck. How nice.
Stay tuned for lessons we learned from Dad being dumb!