T.O.F.U.

T.O.F.U. There have been many things in this world which are unexplainable despite our best attempts to do so. Bigfoot, for example has remained a complete mystery even though you can buy real Bigfoot prints on ebay or Bigfoot hair at “Jenkins’ Genuine Mysterious Artifacts and Fish Bait Shop.” Or there is the unexplainable mystery of why people call a car with stuff being transported in it a “shipment” when a ship with stuff being transported in it is called “cargo”.

Be that as it may, there is another yet unexplainable phenomenon in our society which has defied expert’s best attempts to classify it as belonging anywhere on the table of the elements. I’m referring of course to tofu. I have done my own research on the stuff and while not complete should give you enough information to go on. First, tofu is made of a secret governmental test material originally designed to be an adhesive/accelerator for C4 explosives. In fact, in some of the early episodes of “The A-Team” you can catch glimpses of Mr. T eating some of the explosives. However, through lack of funding tofu became basically an edible form of playdoh. Second, tofu comes in a variety of shapes, all of which look curiously like they were made using playdoh tools. Third, it tastes a lot like playdoh. (It is a little known fact that the Playdoh company actually wanted to call their product ‘Doh-fu’). Fourth, it’s used as a substitute for most meats, sweets, fish, and spackle and the winner the National Vegan “Edible Non-Animal Food of the Year” award, edging out wheat grass and olive loaf by a mere six votes!
As I stated before, tofu comes in a variety of shapes and flavors, but there is one tofu creation which is just plain wrong: Tofurkey. Sick, sick, sick. I was introduced to this food sensation by a coworker who is Vegan. This is not to be confused with Vulcan, although the similarities are quite astounding. So what is it? You’re not going to believe this. It is basically spice injected tofu that has been molded to resemble a turkey; legs, gizzard and all. It’s even color coded so you can have your preference of light tofurkey, I mean moldable goo, or dark moldable goo. Doesn’t that sound swell? And for dessert you can have tofumpkin pie! Same great goo, different shape! She wants me to try some tofookies next week. Well that’s about it from the desk here at Bonehead Central so until next time don’t sneeze when you eat tofu. It’s not pretty.