Saturday, September 3, 2011
Disappearing Stuff and the Secret Ways of Teenage Girls
Recently, I read about the experience of one of my wife’s cousins who postulated that when you have children, in order to be able to have at least one pair of scissors in the drawer when you need them, you would need to buy more than 18 pairs of scissors. That’s an interesting theory. It follows right in line with another theory I posted here a couple of years ago: The Law of Diminishing Utensils.
In order to understand how this law works, let me explain first Johnson's Law of Excessive Utensil Usage which states: A child will use utensils in direct proportion to the number of utensils owned, multiplied by 5. The Law of Diminishing Utensils further states: The amount of utensils owned will decrease at a rate in direct correlation to the number of children living in the home. We have 4. That means that on any given day, we will lose 13 pieces of utensils.
For example, on that day I had loaded the dishwasher with nearly 20 forks. After they were clean, I put them back into the drawer. All 20 of them (remember that number). A few hours later I wanted a fork, opened the drawer and found but two forks. Just two. I looked in the sink. No forks. I looked in the dishwasher. No forks. I asked my 4 children, "Have you guys used any forks?" This is what they said:
Josh: "Parker used some."
Parker: "No I didn't! You did!"
Josh: "No I didn't Parker, you used one to stab ants."
Parker "That was Alex!"
Alex: "It was not, it was a beetle."
Josh: "Well Parker still used some"
Parker: "Yeah, to eat chicken nuggets"
Marcus: "I like forks! Can I have some skittles?"
This law also applies to food, socks, hidden candy, and money. Basically if you have children everything will disappear along with any knowledge they might have had about where it went.
Speaking of kids and theories, there is another theory out there that suggests that having a dog is more desirable than having a child. What are they thinking!?! I saw a website where someone had listed 45 reasons why having a dog is more desirable than having a child. Among their reasons were:
- They eat less
- Don’t want to wear your clothes
- They don’t mind when you pass gas
- They don’t grab everything in the grocery store
Kids are way better than dogs! People think that kids embarrass you in public. Do you know what dogs do in public? I mean, besides sniff other dogs' butts? They're disgusting! But to reply to the woefully misinformed souls out there who still think that a dog is better than a kid I offer my rebuttal to the argument listed above:
- Dogs eat less? Really? Have they ever tried to feed a 2 year old?
- Dogs don’t wear your clothes because they eat them. (This is probably the reason they eat less dog food).
- Kids also don’t mind if you pass gas. In fact they will join you! (Unless Mom shows up, then its every man for himself).
- They don't grab everything in stores because they are too busy sniffing butts.
Dogs eat poop. Argument over, kids win.
I suppose I should get down to business and explain today’s title. As a marriage and family therapist I am continually fascinated by how relationships work, how attraction happens, and how people interact. I am always searching for new insights to help me understand relational dynamics better. Once my Brother-in-Law sent me a book titled, “Capt. Kirks Guide to Women”.
While that gem hasn't stood up under the scrutiny of empirically-based research or the APA, I believe the Space Cowboy was on to something. Recently, however Neisha overheard Josh and Parker discussing the latest research on garnering the affections of women. What follows is top secret and should only be used with great caution!
They started out by talking about how girls are too emotional and they cry a lot. Then Josh said that could actually be to your advantage. This is pretty much how it went:
Josh: "If you go up to a girl who is sad and ask her what is wrong and talk to her she likes it. She may even give you a hug if you help her to feel better."
Parker was very interested in this tidbit of knowledge. “Really! What do you say?”
Josh: “Yep. You just say stuff to make them feel better.”
Parker: “Will she give you a kiss on the cheek?”
I can't wait to hear how that one pans out. Sheesh. Well, in the interest of time that's all the news that's fit to print so until next time hide the forks!